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April 21, 2005

Approve That Grant: SWAT Monkeys!

Sure, a lot of government R&D money gets wasted on some dubious programs.

But if there's even a chance -- a chance! -- that Capuchin monkeys can be trained to assist in SWAT operations, I say give 'em all the jack they need:

Officer Sean Truelove is spearheading the [Mesa Police] department's request to purchase and train a capuchin monkey, considered the second smartest primate to the chimpanzee. The department is seeking about $100,000 in federal grant money to put the idea to use in Mesa SWAT operations...

It has been a little over a year since Truelove filed a grant proposal with the U.S. Department of Defense under the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and he is still waiting for word.

How can this grant proposal be just sat upon, while the government wastes millions of dollars on stuff like, I don't know, Social Security payments for the elderly?

I didn't know how extraodinarily important this was to me until three minutes ago.

But I'll just lay it on the line: I no longer wish to live in a country in which monkeys are not part of our elite law-enforcement forces. Give me my SWAT monkeys or I'm moving to France.*

* I'll be on the same flight as Alec Baldwin.

It's So Crazy It Has To Work Update: Let's not think little-picture, with monkeys being used to open doors and search crawlspaces and that kind of bullshit.

Arm them. Arm these li'l monkey-bastards to the teeth.

Yes, we'll of course see a large number of gunshot-by-monkey tragedies. And for, admittedly, very little benefit at all. But seriously, isn't it worth paying that cost?

In a way, I think people would like being accidentally shot by monkeys. Monkeys are funny; you can't help but smile when you so much as say the word (Son of Nixon's observation, again). Anyone who was shot by a monkey would have a great story to tell, which makes it all worth it.

Unless, you know, that person died. Or lost a limb or an eye or was permanently brain-damaged. Then I guess the story would lose some of its "zing."

And No... This is not the path that led to Planet of the Apes -- they were all used as janitors and stuff -- so don't even try playing that card with me.

The problem in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is that we didn't give them real responsibility. We treated them like second-class citizens, which was sort of understandable, because they were, you know, monkeys.

But I think if we give them some responsibility, and deadly weapons, they might learn to like us, and then we could peacefully co-exist, as that one chimp in Battle For the Planet of the Apes always envisioned. And then we could team up against the mutants, and Taylor would never have to die.

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posted by Ace at 10:12 AM

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