Congressional Medal of Honor Winner: Paul Ray Smith | Main | They've Got To Cast Her In the Next James Bond Film
April 06, 2005

Yet Another Call From Ace

ACE: Yo, Hoke. Look, I want to just say I'm sorry for--

HOKE: Spare me the scheduled Ike Turner-style chain-apologies. What the hell do you want?

ACE: Just wanted to let you know I didn't need to borrow that money from you anymore. I've got myself a new gig. It's great-- all the attention I want, and it pays good, too.

HOKE: What is it?

ACE: Well, it's sort of like cabaret.


HOKE: Sort of?

ACE: Yeah... kind of. A little.

HOKE: Oh, God. What the hell are you doing now?

ACE: Okay, look, don't judge me, but do you know how much it costs to maintain a $200 per day crack habit?

HOKE: I'm guessing somewhere in the vicinity of two-hundred dollars per day.

ACE: No-- wait, yeah, that's exactly right. Man, you're good. You must have been on the pipe yourself to figure it out that quick. But anyway, I need my rock, I need my smoke, and brother, I need money for that.

HOKE: So this "cabaret"...?

ACE: Well, it's not so much "cabaret" as light -- and I stress the word "light" -- light male prostitution.

HOKE: I don't even want to know...

ACE: No, it's nothing like that. I don't touch no one. I mean, I'm not a homo or anything. I just...

HOKE: Just what?

ACE: Well... I just have to dress up like Rizzo from Grease and sing "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee." And, you know, my audience really seems to dig it. They're certainly a lot more appreciative than all of those rotten bastards who wouldn't even buy my stupid schmattas.

HOKE: How appreciative?

ACE: What do you mean?

HOKE: You know what I mean. What is your audience doing while you croon to, um, show their appreciation?

ACE: I don't know.

HOKE: Ace...

ACE: Seriously, I don't know what these old perverts are doing. First of all, I try not to look. Second of all, they all have satin Pink Lady jackets over their laps, so who knows what's going on under there. And third-- it's all I can do just to keep up with my choreography. It's really complicated! My pimp Ajax thinks he's Bob Fuckin' Fosse or something.

HOKE: Ajax?

ACE: Well, his name is really "Andre." But I call him Ajax.

HOKE: Why?

ACE: You know... growing up as a kid... I always thought that if I became a male prostitute, I'd want my pimp to be named "Ajax."

HOKE: Oh, yeah. I see what you mean. The dreams of youth.

ACE: Why? What did you imagine your man-pimp would be named?

HOKE: Actually, as it turns out... I always dreamed he'd be named "Ace."

ACE:

HOKE:

ACE:

HOKE: Well. That was kind of awkward.

ACE: I think we should just pretend it was never said and move on from here.

VOICE: (unintelligible shout in background)

ACE: Look, I gotta go. They're calling me for my costume changes for "The Worse Thing I Could Do." I need a couple of minutes to prepare. The key changes are a bitch, and it really tests my lower octave.

HOKE: A solo?

ACE: No, they've mixed it up a bit. I'm doing some kind of Latin-Hustle number with this enormous guy playing Kinicke. The guy's only wearing a leather jacket and about a cubic yard of morning wood. He's a nightmare to dance with.

HOKE: He's all over your feet?

ACE: Yeahhhhh... Sure. Why not. Let's go with that.

VOICE: (unintelligible shout)

ACE: Anyway, that's Ajax saying last call. One sec, Ajax!

VOICE: It's Andre!

ACE: Whatever. He'll get used to it.

HOKE: Come home, Ace. Look: You're now both a crack addict and a male prostitute. Don't you think you should just admit this "retirement" was a bad idea and come back to blogging?

ACE: No way, man! This is just like blogging, except I'm providing entertainment for a live audience. And... except that I'm wearing saddle-shoes and a poodle-skirt. And also: that I'm showing my weiner to strange men.

HOKE: Which, I have to admit, is a little like your blogging.

ACE: Exactly. Well, here goes. Gotta go. It's my time to shine. Baby, I'm a star.

(Click.)

digg this
posted by Ace at 02:41 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
qdpsteve: "Not foist!! ..."

Grump928(C): "[i]I just found two cans of sauerkraut that is two ..."

qdpsteve: "Foist!! ..."

The Political Hat: "Progressive Utopia: Fake Science; Evil Words; Auth ..."

penguin with ice cream on his face: "[i]I'm sealed on the Privy[/i]Interesting. ..."

qdpsteve: "Bertram: will the commercial feature Ted Nugent?? ..."

Skandia Recluse: "Posted by: Skandia Recluse at October 19, 2017 09: ..."

Pug Mahon, Gentleman Drunkard: "Looking like a Yankees-Dodgers series. YYYAAAAA ..."

Bertram Cabot, Jr.: " [i]Just saw a commercial for Abby's...venison sa ..."

Aetius451AD Work Laptop: "Murdering millions of people from ideological hatr ..."

boulder terlit hobo: "here's Macc Lads for the 'nettes - https://www. ..."

W. J. Clinton: "[i]How bulgy is the can? Posted by: Bitter Clinge ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64