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April 06, 2005
Yet Another Call From AceACE: Yo, Hoke. Look, I want to just say I'm sorry for-- HOKE: Spare me the scheduled Ike Turner-style chain-apologies. What the hell do you want? ACE: Just wanted to let you know I didn't need to borrow that money from you anymore. I've got myself a new gig. It's great-- all the attention I want, and it pays good, too. HOKE: What is it? ACE: Well, it's sort of like cabaret. HOKE: Sort of? ACE: Yeah... kind of. A little. HOKE: Oh, God. What the hell are you doing now? ACE: Okay, look, don't judge me, but do you know how much it costs to maintain a $200 per day crack habit? HOKE: I'm guessing somewhere in the vicinity of two-hundred dollars per day. ACE: No-- wait, yeah, that's exactly right. Man, you're good. You must have been on the pipe yourself to figure it out that quick. But anyway, I need my rock, I need my smoke, and brother, I need money for that. HOKE: So this "cabaret"...? ACE: Well, it's not so much "cabaret" as light -- and I stress the word "light" -- light male prostitution. HOKE: I don't even want to know... ACE: No, it's nothing like that. I don't touch no one. I mean, I'm not a homo or anything. I just... HOKE: Just what? ACE: Well... I just have to dress up like Rizzo from Grease and sing "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee." And, you know, my audience really seems to dig it. They're certainly a lot more appreciative than all of those rotten bastards who wouldn't even buy my stupid schmattas. HOKE: How appreciative? ACE: What do you mean? HOKE: You know what I mean. What is your audience doing while you croon to, um, show their appreciation? ACE: I don't know. HOKE: Ace... ACE: Seriously, I don't know what these old perverts are doing. First of all, I try not to look. Second of all, they all have satin Pink Lady jackets over their laps, so who knows what's going on under there. And third-- it's all I can do just to keep up with my choreography. It's really complicated! My pimp Ajax thinks he's Bob Fuckin' Fosse or something. HOKE: Ajax? ACE: Well, his name is really "Andre." But I call him Ajax. HOKE: Why? ACE: You know... growing up as a kid... I always thought that if I became a male prostitute, I'd want my pimp to be named "Ajax." HOKE: Oh, yeah. I see what you mean. The dreams of youth. ACE: Why? What did you imagine your man-pimp would be named? HOKE: Actually, as it turns out... I always dreamed he'd be named "Ace." ACE: HOKE: ACE: HOKE: Well. That was kind of awkward. ACE: I think we should just pretend it was never said and move on from here. VOICE: (unintelligible shout in background) ACE: Look, I gotta go. They're calling me for my costume changes for "The Worse Thing I Could Do." I need a couple of minutes to prepare. The key changes are a bitch, and it really tests my lower octave. HOKE: A solo? ACE: No, they've mixed it up a bit. I'm doing some kind of Latin-Hustle number with this enormous guy playing Kinicke. The guy's only wearing a leather jacket and about a cubic yard of morning wood. He's a nightmare to dance with. HOKE: He's all over your feet? ACE: Yeahhhhh... Sure. Why not. Let's go with that. VOICE: (unintelligible shout) ACE: Anyway, that's Ajax saying last call. One sec, Ajax! VOICE: It's Andre! ACE: Whatever. He'll get used to it. HOKE: Come home, Ace. Look: You're now both a crack addict and a male prostitute. Don't you think you should just admit this "retirement" was a bad idea and come back to blogging? ACE: No way, man! This is just like blogging, except I'm providing entertainment for a live audience. And... except that I'm wearing saddle-shoes and a poodle-skirt. And also: that I'm showing my weiner to strange men. HOKE: Which, I have to admit, is a little like your blogging. ACE: Exactly. Well, here goes. Gotta go. It's my time to shine. Baby, I'm a star. (Click.) | Recent Comments
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