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April 05, 2005

Another Call From Ace

ACE: Hoke. How are you doing?

HOKE: Well enough, I suppose.

ACE: Sorry for all that stuff I said about your weight problem.

HOKE: You didn't insult my weight. I hung up on you when you began attacking my family.

ACE: Oh. Well, I had meant to get around to it. You should really do something about that. Chins, you know. Once you're even in the plural area with chins, you've already gone wrong.

HOKE: I'm not a pound overweight. I'm thinner than you are.

ACE: Well, maybe it's just the way your stupid wife dresses you. Anyway, I just had a really great idea for a blog post, and I thought--

HOKE: Look, if you want to blog, just stop with this stupid retirement ploy and start blogging again.

ACE: Oh, no. Oh no, brother. I am done with that rat-race. But I had an idea for a post you might want to write.

HOKE: Okay... whatever.

ACE: So, you know how Democrats always seem to favor every other country in any dispute with the US?

HOKE: I've heard something like that, yes.

ACE: Well, so's I got to thinking: Let's connect the Democrats up with something really outrageous. Something another country did to us that really sticks in our craws. And we'll say, "Oh, look, the liberals. Siding with the enemy again."

HOKE: Not really original, but--

ACE: But here's the original part, and I don't think anybody's covered this before. We connect the Democrats up with that murder that happened in LA.

HOKE: What murder?

ACE: The murder where the Japanese company had employees that murdered that model after they all had sex with her and then tried to cover it up from the police. What do you think? Siding with the Japanese! It's Pearl Harbor all over again, but this time with a sex-angle! Let's tie that one around the Dems' necks, huh?

HOKE: Well, it was certainly an outrage.

ACE: Hell's yeah, it was!

HOKE: But, on the other hand, it didn't actually happen. You're thinking of the 1992 Wesley Snipes-Sean Connery thriller Rising Sun.

ACE: A movie?

HOKE: 'Fraid so.

ACE: Well, that makes it trickier. But can we still try to connect, say, Nancy Pelosi to that?

HOKE: To the... movie?

ACE: Movie, real, whatever. All I know is that when I think of that beautiful girl being strangled on the table it makes my blood boil. Boil, I say! And what they did to poor Eddie Sakamora.... He just wanted to be Sean Connery's friend.

HOKE: You want me to write a post blaming the plot of Rising Sun on Nancy Pelosi?

ACE: You betcha. Why, just thinking about it last night got me so mad I went out and I keyed every Hyundai on the street.

HOKE: Hyundais are made in Korea.

ACE: (scoffing laugh) Yeah. That's what they want you to believe. Now who's being naive, Hoke?

HOKE: (pause) Can I ask you a serious question?

ACE: Sure.

HOKE: Have you, in fact, become a brain-addled drug-addict in just the twelve hours since you stopped blogging?

ACE: (audible shivering) Well, you know how it is, man. I'm on the mean streets now. Just doin' what I need to do to survive.

HOKE: The mean streets.

ACE: That's right.

HOKE: Of Massapequa.

ACE: It's like a human meat-grinder here, man. The Burger Kings don't even offer Croissan'wiches. It's a living hell.

HOKE: You had to become a drug-addict, in twelve hours, in Massapequa, "The Paris of Long Island"?

ACE: What, they don't have crack in Paris? And speaking of crack-- I mean, speaking of money -- is there any chance you'll lend me that hundred bucks any time soon?

HOKE: If I lend you the money, will you immediately get on a bus and come home, or will you spend it on crack?

ACE: Shittttt... I can tell from your tone of voice there's a right answer to this question... uhhhmmmm, eeesh, this is a crap-shoot... I'm going to say... crack?

HOKE: Good-bye, Ace. Get help and then come home.

ACE: No, wait! The one with the bus! They serve crack on buses now, don't they?!

HOKE: Goodbye.


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posted by Hoke at 01:22 PM

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