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March 21, 2005

The Stupidest Lyric Ever Written

It's late. The normal rules don't apply. It's like, you know, after hours.*

Plus, I'm drinking a little wine, well, a little more than a little, actually. And I just heard this song again on the radio, and it bothered me.

Actually, this song has been bothering me since I was a kid.

There's this song, right? If you're much younger than I am, you've never heard it. If you're as old as I am or older, you know this song.

It's Into the Night, by a guy called Benny Mardones, who you never heard of, even if you have heard the song.

Content Warning, and hey, I don't even know if it's worth it. You've been warned.

And this is an alright song and everything, I guess, but it contains just about the stupidest lyric ever written in the history of the world.

Basically, this is the chorus:

And if I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a duck
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

Okay, so I'm with Benny about flying and picking a chick up and taking her into the night. But then-- why the fuck would he do all that just to show her a duck?

It makes no fucking sense. You see what I'm saying here? First of fucking all, the very possibility of a man achieving flight under his own power is such a dramatic and far-fetched premise that you'd think he'd want to do something special with it, not just carry her into the troposphere and begin randomly pointing out waterfowl.

Second of all, ducks don't fly. Well, okay, they fly. A little. But they're not exactly high-soarers. Ever notice how much the high-altitude SR-71 Blackbird resembles the shape of a duck? No? Well, no one has either, because they look not a thing alike.

And there's a fucking reason for that, I'm guessing. The only man to ever use the aerodynamics of the duck-form for vehicular design was third-tier Batman villain The Penguin, and a fat lot of good it did him too.

I've seen a lot of ducks in my life, but they weren't flying. Most of them were waddling on the ground like feathered fucking retards, or cooling their dirty asses in a filthy fucking pond.

Ducks fly as often as I jog around Central Park. About every six months when they see Mr. T's workout scene in Rocky III and start thinking about "really getting into shape" and makin' themselves a set of those cool-ass cinderblock barbells.

So, if you want to show a woman a duck, why do we have to postulate the possibility of unassisted human flight? Why not just take her to the fucking park and point and say, "There you go, honey. Look. Ducks. Now, time for my handjob. See, I brought the Hawaiin Tropic lotion and everything."

Makes no goddamned sense.

And if I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a duck

I'm not crazy here, right? I mean, the song just completely falls apart at that point.

Because, in case you couldn't guess, this is a bit of making-out-in-front-of-the-fireplace romantic ballad.

And so, you know, you're kinda getting to second base, and you're counting on this song to fucking deliver the goods, to really get your, you know, lady I guess, all juiced up, all ready to explore a "world of possibilities" (i.e., anal), and you're waiting for this fucking Benny Mardones character to deliver some really amazingly erotic line, and what's he fucking go and do?

He promises to show your lady a duck. A duck! I have no problems with ducks, but I have to figure, you know, it's not exactly the sort of thing that gets women's hearts a-pounding. Show them a Jaguar, maybe. Show them a Park Avenue apartment, now you're talking.

Show them a duck? Nothing. Maybe duck pate, for women with a taste for the finer things. But just a duck? I'm sorry. Get me rewrite.

In fairness, he does promise more than a mere duck:

I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a duck
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

But again, what sort of duck would this be precisely? What sort of super-amazing WonderDuck could this jackoff have in mind here?

Is it, I don't know, made of Tungsten (also known as Wulfram) or something? Does it breathe fire? Does it posses magical powers, like the ability to, say, talk a woman into some three-way action?

And-- even if I concede, arguendo, this is in fact a duck like "you've never seen, nee-ver seen be-fore," is this really the sort of thing that's going to put a lady into the mood to really explore the boundaries of romantic love (i.e., videotape yourselves having sex so you can show your buddies)?

As I said: the stupidest fucking lyric ever fucking written.

Correction: Okay. Umm, this is terribly embarassing, but I just checked the lyric sheet, and he's not, in fact, promising to show anybody "a duck."

The actual lyric is:

And if I could fly
I'd pick you up
and take you into the night
and show you a love
like you've never seen
nee-ver seen before

All right, that's not really all that creative, he's not exactly going out on a limb promising to show a woman "a love" (i.e., his dorkbat), but I admit, it does make more sense than that "duck" line I thought he was singing.

I really don't know how I blew this one. One for the books, guys. One for the books.

Just forget I said anything.

I Have Great Concern About This Piece: The idea of this post sort of makes me giggle, but I think that just might be the seven-year-old in me. I have a feeling that no one else is going to find this amusing at all. Hell, three quarters of you won't remember or never even heard the stupid song.

Bad tail-to-tooth ratio here: lot of set up for minor payoff.

The sad thing is I'm not even drinking wine-- or I wasn't, before. I totally just said that as an excuse to pawn this goofy post off on you guys.

Now I am having a sip of wine, looking at this stupid post, thinking, "This would be the reason I don't get as much traffic as The Belmont Club. This sort of stupid shit, right here. This type of stupid-ass retard shit, plus my complete inability to make a coherent point about anything more complex than Peter Jennings being a little effeminate."

Oh well. As Son of Nixon once sagely advised me, "Some jokes are for an audience of one."

* Where?

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posted by Ace at 02:06 AM

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