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March 08, 2005

Mooo-ving Violations

All right, this one even bothers me. It's from CBS News, so you would think it's safe for work.

But it's really not.


Okay, now that it's not in big bold font and we're beyond the jump, here's the actual CBS-approved headline: Man Accused of Cattle Fornication.

A criminal complaint filed in Clark County Circuit Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector on Jan. 22 after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land.

A steak-out, perhaps?

Was that lame? Don't worry. These going to get worse. Much worse.

Hart told police he had sex with heifers before he went into the service in 1963 and resumed about a year ago at the farm. He admitted to using a rope to tie calves around the neck and estimated he had been to the farm "at least 50 times," according to the complaint.

He told police he never had sex with animals while maintaining a relationship with a girlfriend or his wife, the complaint said.

For some reason, I don't think that "maintaining a relationship with a girlfriend or his wife" really came into play very often for this guy.

He just doesn't seem like the sort to commit. After all, as the old saying goes, why buy the cow when you can unnaturally violate them for free?

(ba-dum-dum-tssss)

I figure alcohol must have been involved. He drank until the cows came home.

And then, of course, he had deviant sex with them.

(tick-tick-tsss)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the cows all said they weren't "in the mood."

(slide-whistle "whooooop")

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

Thanks -- I guess -- to SmallCarGuy.

Special Bonus Hidden Top Ten: Top Ten Advantages To Having a Sexual Relationship With a Cow

10. Cows rarely turn to you as you're watching a football game and ask, "Are you mad at me?"

9. They don't want to cuddle, they only want cud

8. Don't worry about getting her name wrong; they all respond to "Bessie"

7. Five Words: No ballroom dancing lessons, ever

6. There's never any of that awkwardness or tension that comes from having sex with, for example, a fellow human being

5. If she gets cranky, just order a big juicy steak for dinner; use A-1 steak sauce to spell out the chilling reminder, "This could be you"

4. While all you friends are putting up with PMS and shoe-talk and spending their hard-earned cash on their human girlfriends, you'll be the lucky one, feller, hidden in the back of stinking barn, steathilly humping a farm animal

3. No chance whatsoever of contracting a STD (on the other hand, there is a small chance of picking up hoof-and-mouth or some light anthrax)

2. You can tell your friends you "got a little tail last night" and then giggle like a schoolgirl on goofballs

...and the Number One Advantage to Having a Sexual Relationship with a Cow...

1. Beef: It's what's for pleasure

But It's Not All Upside: The Biggest Disadvantage to Having a Sexual Relationship With a Cow

You may find yourself experiencing sudden and uncontrollable erections whenever you hear the theme from Rawhide

digg this
posted by Ace at 03:03 AM

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