« Rathergate Report: Worse Than You Thought | Main | What Did the Anchor Know, and When Did He Know It? »
January 13, 2005

Madonna Cleanses Chernobyl of Radiation Using Kabbalah Incantation, Then Pens Children's Book Called "Diedre and the Dildo Factory"

Madonna's fake-British accent and loopy devotion to Hebraic mysticism-- is there anything they can't do?:

AN undercover BBC reporter who infiltrated a London Kabbalah group witnessed Madonna and Guy Ritchie chanting mystic spells to cleanse Chernobyl, the site in Ukraine of the nuclear disas ter in 1986. Tony Donnelly, who used a hidden camera, claims the Kabbalah dinner turned into "a weird religious service, which started with prayer readings and chanting that culminated in everyone turning to the east, pushing the air with their hands, and crying out 'Cher-er-er-er-nobyl' at the top of their voices. They thought they were curing Chernobyl of radiation, using the power of Kabbalah to drive away the evil."

In a related story, forty devotees of Magic: The Gathering attempted a complex six-card play to erase the Madonna album Bedtime Stories from our spatio-historical timeline.

There were not, alas, successful.

But Madonna's ever bit the savvy businesswoman as she's hyped to be. She's now cadging cancer patients out of serious jack in exchange for her superfragikabbalistic services:

Donnelly, a recovering cancer patient, says he was charged $1,500 for the dinner with Madonna and her husband, some "healing water" and several Aramaic texts β€” the Zohar β€” he was unable to read. He was told that just running his hands over the text and drinking the water could cure his cancer.

The cure, alas, also did not work. He was comforted, however, by the knowledge that, while he still had cancer, it was very unlikely that Shanghai Surprise would be re-released in a "special edition" containing additional CGI stormtroopers and "digital censoring" of Madonna, replacing her in every scene with a five-foot six walkie-talkie in a corset.

(Actually, that last bit sounds like a good idea.)

But it just gets better. Because it turns out that the Holocaust all could have been avoided, had those dumb Jews simply had a couple of more Ouija boards and crystal unicorns:

He also had a session with Rabbi Eliyahu Yardeni, who told him, "Just to tell you another thing about the 6 million Jews that were killed in the Holocaust. The question was that the Light was blocked. They didn't use Kabbalah." Donnelly wrote in the London Telegraph, "It sounded as though he was blaming the Holocaust on its victims . . . "

Yardeni went on to explain that the Jews could have "taken out the trash" in Germany on their own had they only been students of his own self-created mystical martial-arts style, called "Tae Kabbalah Do," also known as "Jew Fu."

Celebrities. Every time I begin to think they just can't get any stupider, they pull something like this, and completely redeem themselves!*

* Where? Should be a gimme.

A Bit More:

Kabbalah followers also include Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Demi Moore.

Nominees all for the Zelda Fitzergald Award for Emotional Stability.**

**Who? I know who, but I forget where.

The Original Telegraph Story... can be found here.

Thanks to Nathan.

digg this
posted by Ace at 03:24 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
WitchDoktor, back to no one giving a damn.: "That's not winning for the Dems, that is maintaini ..."

bear with asymmetrical balls: "[I] Plus, they're going up against the guy who won ..."

Leland Vitter: "Fox's John Robert's is a fucking douchbag. Posted ..."

Meade Lux Lewis: "Cons are naive enough to believe the thing the lef ..."

Captain Obvious, of the sloop John B.: "I did not put a political sticker on that bear! P ..."

Asshoes: "Lemme guess Twatter is freaking out that Trump dar ..."

JackStraw: ">>Will Oregon have a R governor next term? Minneso ..."

Deplorable Jay Guevara[/i][/s][/b]: "[i]I think many are quietly being arrested for thi ..."

RedMindBlueState[/i][/s][/b][/u]: "[i][b]Crate Blanche[/b] do what you want. No conse ..."

Christopher R Taylor: "[i]Will Oregon have a R governor next term? Minnes ..."

Victor Tango Kilo: "[i]Will Oregon have a R governor next term? Minnes ..."

Maskhole: "361 BLM has scrubbed their website of their Marxis ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64