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January 13, 2005

Madonna Cleanses Chernobyl of Radiation Using Kabbalah Incantation, Then Pens Children's Book Called "Diedre and the Dildo Factory"

Madonna's fake-British accent and loopy devotion to Hebraic mysticism-- is there anything they can't do?:

AN undercover BBC reporter who infiltrated a London Kabbalah group witnessed Madonna and Guy Ritchie chanting mystic spells to cleanse Chernobyl, the site in Ukraine of the nuclear disas ter in 1986. Tony Donnelly, who used a hidden camera, claims the Kabbalah dinner turned into "a weird religious service, which started with prayer readings and chanting that culminated in everyone turning to the east, pushing the air with their hands, and crying out 'Cher-er-er-er-nobyl' at the top of their voices. They thought they were curing Chernobyl of radiation, using the power of Kabbalah to drive away the evil."

In a related story, forty devotees of Magic: The Gathering attempted a complex six-card play to erase the Madonna album Bedtime Stories from our spatio-historical timeline.

There were not, alas, successful.

But Madonna's ever bit the savvy businesswoman as she's hyped to be. She's now cadging cancer patients out of serious jack in exchange for her superfragikabbalistic services:

Donnelly, a recovering cancer patient, says he was charged $1,500 for the dinner with Madonna and her husband, some "healing water" and several Aramaic texts β€” the Zohar β€” he was unable to read. He was told that just running his hands over the text and drinking the water could cure his cancer.

The cure, alas, also did not work. He was comforted, however, by the knowledge that, while he still had cancer, it was very unlikely that Shanghai Surprise would be re-released in a "special edition" containing additional CGI stormtroopers and "digital censoring" of Madonna, replacing her in every scene with a five-foot six walkie-talkie in a corset.

(Actually, that last bit sounds like a good idea.)

But it just gets better. Because it turns out that the Holocaust all could have been avoided, had those dumb Jews simply had a couple of more Ouija boards and crystal unicorns:

He also had a session with Rabbi Eliyahu Yardeni, who told him, "Just to tell you another thing about the 6 million Jews that were killed in the Holocaust. The question was that the Light was blocked. They didn't use Kabbalah." Donnelly wrote in the London Telegraph, "It sounded as though he was blaming the Holocaust on its victims . . . "

Yardeni went on to explain that the Jews could have "taken out the trash" in Germany on their own had they only been students of his own self-created mystical martial-arts style, called "Tae Kabbalah Do," also known as "Jew Fu."

Celebrities. Every time I begin to think they just can't get any stupider, they pull something like this, and completely redeem themselves!*

* Where? Should be a gimme.

A Bit More:

Kabbalah followers also include Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Demi Moore.

Nominees all for the Zelda Fitzergald Award for Emotional Stability.**

**Who? I know who, but I forget where.

The Original Telegraph Story... can be found here.

Thanks to Nathan.


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posted by Ace at 03:24 PM

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