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January 08, 2005
Son of Nixon Despondent Over Aniston-Pitt Split
  
Well, he's all broken up about it.
Me?  I'm ecstatic.  He's finally back on the market!
Update:  Did I say "he"?  I meant "she."  Of course I meant "she."
Sure, Brad Pitt can just turn me into jelly with his witheringly blue eyes and his pecs sculpted by Rodan,* but Jennifer Anniston has... 
Well, you know, whatever it is women have that makes them so, um, "hot."  You know-- she's good a very keen eye for kitschy-cute handbags.
* You may think I mean the celebrated French neoclassical artist, but in fact I mean the giant Japanese bat-monster.  He's a real talent, and has been featured prominently in several of Yoko Ono's highly-publicized but under-attended "installations."