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December 16, 2004

More College Comedy: β€œI welcome the U.S. defeat"

But that's just his opening joke. Wait 'till America-hating professor/semi-professional comedian Robert Jensen gets rolling:

"It's essential the American empire be defeated and dismantled."

By the way, have you ever noticed that they give you peanuts on airplanes? Not so much "funny" as just "true." Thank you.

"In Iraq, the Bush administration invaded not to liberate but to extend and deepen U.S. domination.”

You want to talk about domination? You should meet my mother. She's always all over me about when I'm finally going to settle down and give her some grandchildren. And I'm always like, "Mom, you're too young to be a grandmother." And then I do a wacky Chevy-Chase-style pratfall.

Thank you.

β€œWhen we admit defeat and pull out - not if, but when - the fate of Iraqis depends in part on whether the United States (1) makes good on legal and moral obligations to pay reparations, and (2) allows international institutions to aid in creating a truly sovereign Iraq.”

You know what I hate? Cops with those big handlebar moustaches. Why do they all have them?

When they're in high school, I imagine their career counselor takes one look at their big moustaches and says, "Son, based on your aptitude tests, and your big ginormous moustache, you can have a career as either 1) a law-enforcement officer, 2) a Riverboat Gambler, or 3) ex-Miami Dolphins coach Dave Wannstadt. But you blew the section on marked cards and sasparilla, and you only answered three questions right about Cover 2 defensive schemes, so here's your gun and your badge. Watch your back out there."

Thank you.

After reminding us that he is β€œglad for the U.S. military defeat in Iraq,” Jensen says that we should pursue β€œthe most courageous act of citizenship in the United States today: Pledging to dismantle the American empire."

And what is the deal with dating, anyway? Whenever people go on dates anymore, they do something gay and "physical," like hiking. Seriously-- who the fuck wants to hike? You've got two people who basically want to know 1) what is she like in bed? and 2) is he making enough money to support me sitting on my lazy ass all fucking day? But instead of doing activities that might shed some light on these things -- like, say, wild animal sex and extensive credit checks -- instead they're doing these innocent, fun-time activities that nobody at all is interested in.

"Hey-- I think you're hot. Let's go rock-climbing together.

Right. Because that's what I want to do with a chick. Rock-climb. And then both of you are acting so fucking innocent and childlike about your genuine interests that you keep doing these ridiculously benign activities like you're 10 year olds at Christian camp.

"Boy, I'd like to see you again. What say we get together and make some glue-and-macaroni sculptures of the Baby Jesus?"

And she's all like, "You're practically reading my mind. For so long I've been meaning to take an interest in pasta-based Christian iconography."

Thank you.

Robert Jensen will be here all week. Remember, the second show on Friday is the "dirty show," where he really cuts loose on the baby-killers of the US Empire's military.

Thanks to Random Birkel. Jensen did a "showcase" for Random last week at JJ McGiggles in Gavelston, Texas.

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posted by Ace at 03:07 PM

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