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December 08, 2004

African Tribe Worships Salma Hayek's Breasts

No offense to adherents of traditional religions, but seriously, I think this is one faith-tradition I can really get behind.

The always-reliable Weekly World News presents us with a definite non-scoop:

AFRICAN TRIBE WORSHIPS SALMA HAYEK'S BREASTS! By Mark Miller

The Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, adheres to a religious practice completely unique to its people -- they worship actress Salma Hayek's breasts!

Completely unique? Ehhhh... Not completely. I think perhaps each of us might favor differing rituals, but the general religion is basically the same.

...

"As a special treat, Chief Tuamanguluka arranged for a movie to be shown here for the first time ever. The movie was Desperado, starring the blessed Salma Hayek as Carolina, a beautiful woman who works for the local drug lord."

When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. "Everyone gasped -- men, women, and children," recalls Kianga. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."

Here's the thing: There is nothing in this article yet that is in any way surprising or, indeed, newsworthy.

After that screening, all any of the Mandinkans could talk about was Salma Hayek -- her looks, her spirit, her energy.

Again: Still waiting for the actual news.

...

The Mandinkans found themselves especially affected by the sight of Hayek's breasts, which are often on full display in her movies.

You know, when they presented this story to their lawyers for vetting for possible slander, the lawyer just gave it a quick once over, declared it "absent malice," and then pleasured himself to the dirty parts of Frieda.

"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "

In other shocking news, the sun rises in the east, monkeys think it's pretty cool throwing feces at human beings, and Mike Tyson would be a bad choice for an au pair.

Around their necks, the Mandinkans wear stone and wood amulets fashioned as miniature replicas of Hayek's awe-inspiring milk wagons.

Who doesn't?

Okay, "milk wagons" was pretty good, but now this guy breaks out the big guns:

One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets.

Heh.

Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:

Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck.
Especially we ask for sexual potency from the
Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma.
Suckle us with your magical orbs,
Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!

They call this a "religious ritual." I call it "every Friday night since I was 26."

Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for the entire Mandinkan tribe when he says, "Worshipping Salma Hayek's breasts has added meaning, direction and wonder to my life."

Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for 95% of the male population, and around 5% of the female population as well.

Thanks to The Unpopulist for the tip, who also offers his own blogging awards, without all the boring nominating and voting. Good to see Son of Nixon get the recognition he deserves.

One tasteful bit of cheesecake beyond the jump. Hey, I'm celebrating my millionth hit. Allow me a little leeway.


See? Like I said: Tasteful.

digg this
posted by Ace at 11:45 PM

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