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December 06, 2004

The Pajama Effect: Michael Moore Bedridden By Bush Win, Wouldn't Change Out of PJ's

Oh, for God's sake, grow the fuck up:

Conspiracy filmmaker Michael Moore was so devastated by President Bush's election victory last month that he refused to get out of his pajamas or leave his bedroom.

"He was so unhappy over Bush's win, he didn't roll out of bed for three days," reports gossip columnist Liz Smith, after chatting with the left-wing movie man.

Smith adds, "I could live forever without that visual."

It's not the visual so much as the olfactory aspect of the scenario that gets to me. I think I just lost the ability to procreate by the normal biomechanical method, if you know what I mean, kind of like General Jack T. Ripper in Dr. Strangelove except without a nuclear air-wing at my disposal.

Top Ten Effects of Bush Win on Liberal Celebrities

10. Whoopie Goldberg threatens to launch another catastrophic television series; the Department of Homeland Security confirms "chatter" about such a threat, but as of yet has "no actionable intelligence"

9. Viggo Mortensen is so distraught over the warmongering mood of the nation he's demanding that his swords in Lord of the Rings be digitally erased and replaced by walkie-talkies

8. In order to foster understanding, Elton John and Eminem will form a quartet at this year's Grammys with Ted Nugent and John Ashcroft

7. Chevy Chase is so depressed he just can't work up any amount of enthusiasm for National Lampoon's Vacation 5, putting him, ironically enough, in the same mindset as the rest of America for the first time in over 40 years

6. Angered by Tony Blair's support for the War in Iraq, Madonna stops doing that ridiculously bad fake British accent in favor of a bad hybrid German/Cherokee accent she picked up from watching Dances With Wolves and Das Boot

5. Al Franken ends his political punditry and retreats into safer world of young children's storybooks; his first title is expected to be A Little Boy's Journey Into the Great Big World, subtitled Rush Limbaugh is a Rotten Fucking Shitfinger

4. Dispirited mood at next years' Vibe awards result in 20% less ratings and 40% fewer stabbings

3. Old Margaret Cho Act: Tiresome tirades about gay issues, feminism, pop ecology, and Republicans
New Margaret Cho Act: Nothing but dead-on impressions of all four members of The A-Team

2. Alec Baldwin vows to gain 60 pounds and let his appearance go completely to shit Mark it down as already done, baby!

...and the Number One Effect of Bush's Win on Liberal Celebrities...

1. Barbra Streisand promises to never appear in another motion picture for the rest of her life; nation mourns the fact that Bush was elected only after Yentl and Nuts

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posted by Ace at 05:15 PM

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