Open Thread: The Campaign, The Media, The Election, & The Future | Main | Pardon Our Wardrobe Malfunction
November 07, 2004

John Kerry's Achilles Heel

Hoke here.

With a scoop.

Everybody thinks they have an answer to the $100,000 question: Why did John Kerry lose?

The morals issues.

Too liberal.

Terezzzzza knocking teachers.

Nancy Boy Edwards.

Lambert Field.

I voted for the $87 billion before I vote against it.

All wrong.

John Kerry lost because of his hair. He is Samsonequse figure, and his pompadour is formidable. But improperly maintained, his stately mane became unkempt, and soon, he strangled on that which had been so firm and fine in the past.

You think I jest?

Let's go back to the summer of 2003 and Laura Blumenfeld's sickly sweet paen to the then-candidate.

An odd excerpt put me on the case:

He stands 6-foot-4. He rides a Harley, plays ice hockey, snowboards, windsurfs, kitesurfs, and has such thick, aggressive hair he uses a brush with metal teeth.

John Kerry: Hunter, Dreamer, Realist

Never in the annals of American presidential politics have we learned of the preferred hairbrush of a potential leader of the free world.

Mere color, you say?

Not so.

The morning after the Feb. 3 primaries, which vaulted Kerry into a virtually insurmountable lead, the candidate was fuming over his missing hairbrush. He and his aides were riding in a van on the way to a Time magazine cover-photo shoot. Nicholson had left the hairbrush behind. "Sir, I don't have it," he said, after rummaging in the bags. "Marvin, f---!" Kerry said. The press secretary, David Wade, offered his brush. "I'm not using Wade's brush," the long-faced senator pouted. "Marvin, f---, it's my Time photo shoot."

Nicholson was having a bad day. Breakfast had been late and rushed and not quite right for the senator. In the van, Kerry was working his cell phone and heard the beep signaling that the phone was running out of juice. "Marvin, charger," he said without turning around. "Sorry, I don't have it," said Nicholson, who was sitting in the rear of the van. Now Kerry turned around. "I'm running this campaign myself," he said, looking at Nicholson and the other aides. "I get myself breakfast. I get myself hairbrushes. I get myself my cell-phone charger. It's pretty amazing." In silent frustration, Nicholson helplessly punched the car seat.

Newsweek

And with the loss of that brush, the campaign began to unravel.

Case closed.


digg this
posted by Ace at 02:26 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
grammie winger - Cubs are gonna suck again: "Nightmare stuff. ..."

Dave the Octopus: "Bob Berdella was a gay serial killer who killed th ..."

Tami[/i][/b][/s][/u]: " It's generally not a good idea to shove stuff up ..."

Boulder terlit hobo: "[i]"senescent" is also a new word courtesy of Mist ..."

pookysgirl says GO DODGERS GO!: "I'd forgotten how much of a drawl Timmy has. Still ..."

garrett: ">>Bob Berdella was a gay serial killer who killed ..."

publius, the Persistent Poperin Pear: " Hmmphh, you learn something every day. "Teled ..."

grammie winger - Cubs are gonna suck again: "Posted by: Steve and Cold Bear at October 20, 2017 ..."

gNewt: "Bright, fresh, illuminating, WD at ONT. ..."

A Penguin: "There is actual acreage going to waste in Antarcti ..."

kallisto: ""senescent" is also a new word courtesy of Mister ..."

grammie winger - Cubs are gonna suck again: "Ha! Wish I could see it. Was it pretty! ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64