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October 19, 2004
Are You Ready To Vote? The Ace of Spades HQ Voter ChecklistLet me remind everyone that conservative Pat Toomey lost by a fairly thin margin to liberal Arlen Specter (who of course voted to acquit Clinton based on "Scottish law" and also founded the James-Bond-hatin' evil organization SPECTER; I think he also produced some records and shot a whore or something). After that election, I had quite a few Pennsylvania readers (no names) admit that they hadn't voted. They could have nominated a good conservative for Senator; but they chose to sit on their asses and watch fucking re-runs of Family Matters. For crying out loud-- VOTE. It doesn't matter if you're in a safe state. There aren't any excuses. I live in New York City, and I myself have exposed myself to the risk of jury duty to actually register my ass for this one. If I can vote in NYC, there's really no excuse for you not voting. At any rate, you should not only vote, but you should prepare yourself to vote, just like you were supposed to do before, say, taking the SAT's. To that end, I've compiled the following checklist of things you'll want to lay out for yourself Monday, November 1st, if not earlier. Voting Checklist: Correct and verified directions to your actual polling place-- use MapQuest if you're not sure Comfortable shoes, like sneakers or, say, Hush Puppies, which will give you the confidence to vote straight Phone numbers and emails of sluggish conservatives you know-- yell at them until they vote Three number 2 pencils, a gum eraser, and one of those little plastic pencil sharpeners that doesn't ever fucking work anyway and just cuts the tip off your pencil Pornographic magazines and/or "marital aids," because, as some comic once observed, standing in line can be such a fucking bore Four six-sided dice, because you never know when some ultra-hot busty blonde is going to ask you to "roll up a character" Crackers, preferably oyster, but honestly, it's your call One box of wine spiked with hospital-grade codeine, just in case your wife or girlfriend tells you she's "leaning towards Barbara Boxer;" yeah, she'll be really pissed off that you drugged her, but then, no one comes off codeine in a bad mood, either A print-out of this picture: which is Oliver Willis, in case you didn't know; you'll want to look at that picture, and imagine that loathesome jackass giggling like a schoolgirl on November 3rd if Kerry should win One forged, confusing butterfly ballot to hand out to old people who look like they might be voting for John Kerry (hint: look for buttons reading Arms are made for hugging or some queer Up-With-People shit like that) Your "lucky voting shirt" Proper ID, consisting of either a current Driver's ID or Passport, if you live in one of three jurisdictions in America where only American citizens are allowed to vote One crisp ten (10) dollar bill, which you can discretely slip to a poll-worker as you encourage her to "Keep it honest" Breath mints-- because there's never a second chance to make a first impression Plenty of Eukenuba brand dog-treats, for feeding dogs of fellow Republicans as they vote; Eukenuba brand dog treats taste great, and even if they don't, who gives a shit? You're feeding them to fucking dogs, anyway. They've got to taste better than other dog-favorites, like "some other dog's dirty ass" or "my own sweaty dog-balls" or "some nasty liquid I saw on the street and I decided I just had to stick my fucking tongue into" This MIDI file downloaded into your iPod-- do you really want to hear this fucking song Election Night? I sure the fuck don't. Ace of Spades brand Male Hygenic Spray, for those not-so-fresh election days Your very best homemade Star Trek and/or Tron costume, because when you vote, you want to look cool doing so
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Mid-Morning Art Thread
The Morning Report — 1/27/23 Daily Tech News 27 January 2023 ONT Title Goes Here Strange Doings Cafe Quick Hits Surprise! Biden's Latest Appointment to the Federal Judiciary Doesn't Know What Article II of the Constitution Is Pelosi Sold $3 Million in Google Stock Mere Weeks Before the DOJ Announced an Antitrust Investigation Into Its Main Revenue Stream, Advertising Antifa: The Democrat Party's Private Street Paramilitaries CNN: Biden Lied When He Claimed He "Invited" the FBI to Search His House. He Merely Allowed Them To -- And They Were Considering a Warrant If He Refused. Search
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Paul Anka Haiku Contest Announcement Integrity SAT's: Entrance Exam for Paul Anka's Band AllahPundit's Paul Anka 45's Collection AnkaPundit: Paul Anka Takes Over the Site for a Weekend (Continues through to Monday's postings) George Bush Slices Don Rumsfeld Like an F*ckin' Hammer Top Top Tens
Democratic Forays into Erotica New Shows On Gore's DNC/MTV Network Nicknames for Potatoes, By People Who Really Hate Potatoes Star Wars Euphemisms for Self-Abuse Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party" Signs Your Clown Has Gone Bad Signs That You, Geroge Michael, Should Probably Just Give It Up Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Kerry NYT Headlines Spinning Bush's Jobs Boom Things People Are More Likely to Say Than "Did You Hear What Al Franken Said Yesterday?" Signs that Paul Krugman Has Lost His Frickin' Mind All-Time Best NBA Players, According to Senator Robert Byrd Other Bad Things About the Jews, According to the Koran Signs That David Letterman Just Doesn't Care Anymore Examples of Bob Kerrey's Insufferable Racial Jackassery Signs Andy Rooney Is Going Senile Other Judgments Dick Clarke Made About Condi Rice Based on Her Appearance Collective Names for Groups of People John Kerry's Other Vietnam Super-Pets Cool Things About the XM8 Assault Rifle Media-Approved Facts About the Democrat Spy Changes to Make Christianity More "Inclusive" Secret John Kerry Senatorial Accomplishments John Edwards Campaign Excuses John Kerry Pick-Up Lines Changes Liberal Senator George Michell Will Make at Disney Torments in Dog-Hell Greatest Hitjobs
The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny More Margaret Cho Abuse Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed" Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means Wonkette's Stand-Up Act Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report! Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet The House of Love: Paul Krugman A Michael Moore Mystery (TM) The Dowd-O-Matic! Liberal Consistency and Other Myths Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate "Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long) The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) |