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October 19, 2004

Are You Ready To Vote? The Ace of Spades HQ Voter Checklist

Let me remind everyone that conservative Pat Toomey lost by a fairly thin margin to liberal Arlen Specter (who of course voted to acquit Clinton based on "Scottish law" and also founded the James-Bond-hatin' evil organization SPECTER; I think he also produced some records and shot a whore or something).

After that election, I had quite a few Pennsylvania readers (no names) admit that they hadn't voted. They could have nominated a good conservative for Senator; but they chose to sit on their asses and watch fucking re-runs of Family Matters.

For crying out loud-- VOTE. It doesn't matter if you're in a safe state. There aren't any excuses. I live in New York City, and I myself have exposed myself to the risk of jury duty to actually register my ass for this one.

If I can vote in NYC, there's really no excuse for you not voting.

At any rate, you should not only vote, but you should prepare yourself to vote, just like you were supposed to do before, say, taking the SAT's. To that end, I've compiled the following checklist of things you'll want to lay out for yourself Monday, November 1st, if not earlier.

Voting Checklist:

Correct and verified directions to your actual polling place-- use MapQuest if you're not sure

Comfortable shoes, like sneakers or, say, Hush Puppies, which will give you the confidence to vote straight Evil Republican down the line

Phone numbers and emails of sluggish conservatives you know-- yell at them until they vote

Three number 2 pencils, a gum eraser, and one of those little plastic pencil sharpeners that doesn't ever fucking work anyway and just cuts the tip off your pencil

Pornographic magazines and/or "marital aids," because, as some comic once observed, standing in line can be such a fucking bore

Four six-sided dice, because you never know when some ultra-hot busty blonde is going to ask you to "roll up a character"

Crackers, preferably oyster, but honestly, it's your call

One box of wine spiked with hospital-grade codeine, just in case your wife or girlfriend tells you she's "leaning towards Barbara Boxer;" yeah, she'll be really pissed off that you drugged her, but then, no one comes off codeine in a bad mood, either

A print-out of this picture:

which is Oliver Willis, in case you didn't know; you'll want to look at that picture, and imagine that loathesome jackass giggling like a schoolgirl on November 3rd if Kerry should win

One forged, confusing butterfly ballot to hand out to old people who look like they might be voting for John Kerry (hint: look for buttons reading Arms are made for hugging or some queer Up-With-People shit like that)

Your "lucky voting shirt"

Proper ID, consisting of either a current Driver's ID or Passport, if you live in one of three jurisdictions in America where only American citizens are allowed to vote

One crisp ten (10) dollar bill, which you can discretely slip to a poll-worker as you encourage her to "Keep it honest"

Breath mints-- because there's never a second chance to make a first impression

Plenty of Eukenuba brand dog-treats, for feeding dogs of fellow Republicans as they vote; Eukenuba brand dog treats taste great, and even if they don't, who gives a shit? You're feeding them to fucking dogs, anyway. They've got to taste better than other dog-favorites, like "some other dog's dirty ass" or "my own sweaty dog-balls" or "some nasty liquid I saw on the street and I decided I just had to stick my fucking tongue into"

This MIDI file downloaded into your iPod-- do you really want to hear this fucking song Election Night? I sure the fuck don't.

Ace of Spades brand Male Hygenic Spray, for those not-so-fresh election days

Your very best homemade Star Trek and/or Tron costume, because when you vote, you want to look cool doing so


Well, that's it. Lay out all those items on your couch the day before Election Day.

Courage.


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posted by Ace at 04:26 AM

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