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October 18, 2004

Dummocrats.com Coins New Term: Pretty-in-Pink Democrats

Dummocrats.com riffs off by Blaine comments and coins a new term: Pretty in Pink Democrats.

Even worse than liberals created by Blaine's social viciousness are liberals created by genuine ass-kicking. Such Cobra-Kai Liberals often try to pick fights with people later in life, always trying to heal adolescent feelings of impotency by wrestling people. Al Franken is the prototypical Cobra Kai liberal.

This is one group of liberals I have some sympathy for. If you were about to get all up in Elizabeth Shue's shit when some surf-nazis dressed as skeletons karate-kicked your ass into next week, you'd probably be looking for some payback later in life, too.

But they're not to be confused with Footloose liberals, liberals who are convinced that this really is 1952 and America is in danger of having John Lithgow take away their right to dance.

Somewhat related are Dead Zone liberals, who wake up with night-terrors at the thought of a Republican President praying to God and then nuking the world like the mutants from Beneath the Planet of the Apes. Creepy atonal organ music features prominently in these nightmares, as do frequent flashes of James Fransiscus' little white ass.

There's also the political movement called Benderism, composed of disciples of John "No, Dad, what about you?!" Bender. These Benderites live in a state of perpetual adolescent rebellion and are convinced that not behaving like a prick constitutes "selling out to the man." They also attempt to hide their weed in the shorts of law-abiding citizens like myself.

And then there are the Fake-Laugh Liberals, liberals who like to show their political stripes by forcing whooping fake laughs at unfunny statements they agree with. Jon Stewart and Bill Maher -- and, of course, Margaret Cho -- have careers only due to Fake-Laugh Liberals.

A subvariety is the See? I Get It, That's Why I'm Fake-Laughing Liberal, who are key to Woody Allen's otherwise-inexplicable ability to get financing for his latest cinematic abortion. These are liberals who fake-laugh not necessarily because of actual political sympathies, but because they want to show that they understood Allen's ten-billionth reference to Marshall Fucking MacLuhan because, you know, they went to a good college (and/or saw Annie Hall). By pretending to laugh at yet another Woody Allen Leopold & Loeb reference, they demonstrate that they're better and smarter than you are.

Finally there is the well-known group of liberals called West Wing liberals, liberals who have effectively opted out of reality and put bumper-stickers on their car reading My President is Jeb Bartlett. They think the key to winning elections is to be even more unabashedly liberal, because that seems to work on the TV show. I like these liberals, because they're pretty much absenting themselves from actual political discourse, leaving us conservatives free to spin our nefarious plots.

It's Still Kinda Funny Update: Luckily for us, we still have NRO contributor/star of St. Elmo's Fire Andrew McCarthy on our side.

Even if Ducky is lost to us forever.


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posted by Ace at 02:36 PM

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