Register to Vote, Now | Main | The Lessons of Samarra
October 05, 2004

Top Ten John Edwards Debate-Prep Secrets

10. To appear less like a callow ambulance-chaser and more like a man of action, he's lightened his hair and wearing a white tunic to look more like Mark Hamill in Star Wars

9. He'll also note that we could have spent that $87 billion to "go to Tashya Station" to buy some wicked "power converters"

8. James Carville is making sure he gets at least 8 hours of sleep every night; new rule: no spooky stories after 9pm (they keep him up all night!)

7. He's been studying his briefing book like a madman, because Bob Shrum says that if he wins the debate, Shrum will buy him a pony

6. He plans on naming the pony either "Princess Prettyprance" or "Dumpling"

5 Under absolutely no circumstances will he fall for any of Dick Cheney's wily rhetorical tricks, like the old "Douchebag says 'what'?"

4. Old John Edwards Mood-Enhancer: Diet Coke
New John Edwards Mood-Enhancer: Institutional-strength Ritalin

3. In order to boost his "gravitas," he's radically cut down on the number of mentions he makes of Trading Spaces and Extreme Make-Over: Home Edition; he's learned to avoid saying things like "I think matching pillows could really bring Fallujah together" or "What Baghdad really needs now is a 'pop' of color in Sadr City"

2. IN: American flag pin on lapel
OUT: Ocean Pacific t-shirt showing a man surfing on a dolphin

... and the Number One John Edwards Debate-Prep Secret...

1. Has memorized an extensive list of economic talking-points by making up a mnemonic song to the tune of Clay Aiken's If I Was Invisible


"Do I seem soft to you?" -- John Edwards, in an interview with Judy Woodruff

I don't know quite how to answer that, John.

digg this
posted by Ace at 02:52 PM

| Access Comments

Recent Comments
FenelonSpoke: "I want to go work for the "Babylon Bee". :^) ..."

Captain Hate: "[i]193 audiences at this kind of program are stupi ..."

Adirondack Patriot: "Nood Putin. ..."

Bruce: "It's all one big red link! ..."

Sebastian Melmoth : "I don't know how funny the Brit TheOffice is but t ..."

hobbitopoly: "GOODY GOODY YUM YUM!! Posted by: fixerupper at Ma ..."

#neverskankles : "Youtube ban goes into effect April 1. And no it's ..."

lin-duh: "Ooooo, I can super secure delete!! ..."

prof disarray, gumdrop gorilla channel: "British Humour (heh) is scatology based. Oh, ..."

fixerupper: "Anyone remember The Goodies? They were three guys ..."

Adirondack Patriot: "st ..."

Nevergiveup: "I dont think You Tube is banning all gun videos, t ..."

Recent Entries

Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64