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August 19, 2004
Our Balanced Media, Redux: WaPo Reporterette Fellates John Forbes Kerry in PrintAaron Burr is back again, and demands that I READ IT ALL. So I guess I should READ IT ALL, and maybe you should, too. This is a reprint of an old WaPo article, from June 1, 2003. It sort of lets you know -- just sort of -- whose side the WaPo is on. In a way, I appreciate this style of "journalism" better than the what we usually see. At least here the clearly-smitten and moist Ms. Blumenfeld isn't too coy or cute about her allegiances or biases. She's as subtle as shotgun blast. Just for fun, I have bolded Ms. Blumenfeld's frequent mentions of Mr. Kerry's "nuance," "intellect," and/or "complexity." Mentions of how butch and manly and sexy and tough-guy he is are in bolded italics. This is a hard article to get through. It reads like a very long entry in a teenager's Crush Diary. But on to the fellatio: The Washington Post June 1, 2003 Sunday SECTION: A SECTION; Pg. A01 LENGTH: 2640 words HEADLINE: Hunter, Dreamer, Realist; BYLINE: Laura Blumenfeld, Washington Post Staff Writer BODY: John Kerry eats dove. Even better, he shoots them. From behind the "You clean them. Let them hang. It takes three or four birds to have Dove, quail, duck, deer. Kerry described how to hunt and gut them, talking as he sliced through a steak at midnight after campaigning all day That is not a problem for the dove hunter. Kerry, 59, is the only combat veteran in the field. He stands 6-foot-4. He rides a Harley, plays ice hockey, snowboards, windsurfs, kitesurfs, and has such thick, aggressive hair he uses a brush with metal teeth. [he also has to strap his massive cock down to his leg to keep it from randomly assaulting foreigners in the street-- his cock will brook no nonsense from swarthy foreign-types. -- ed.] "That's our slogan," quipped his ad man, Jim Margolis. "John Kerry: He's no weenie." "He doesn't need a consultant to tell him how to dress like an alpha male," said his friend Ivan Schlager. "He is a damn alpha male." [okay, now I'm starting to get aroused myself.] It is more complex than that, though. With Kerry it often is. Yes, his In a series beginning today, The Washington Post will examine all Kerry's complexity has been an issue since his national debut in 1971. He became famous for a war within himself: He had fought in Vietnam and came, reluctantly, to believe the war was wrong. ["reluctance" is a sign of complexity-- ed.] As spokesman for Vietnam Veterans Against the War, he testified before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee: "How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?" The senators were awed by the young man's poise and by his Bronze Star, Silver Star and three Purple Hearts. He was a hero. Complexity worked the first time around. It is much tougher now, as he presents himself as both a dreamer "It's the natural reluctance of a soldier to put young Americans in harm's way," said fellow Vietnam veteran and former senator Max Cleland (D-Ga.). But Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (D-Conn.), one of Kerry's competitors, accused him of being "ambivalent" when the country needed leadership. Republican strategist Richard Galen said, "People who were disappointed by the Gore campaign sniff another Gore coming because he doesn't have any clear message." Kerry always has enjoyed breaking down issues, arguing all sides for sport, like a game of mental racquetball. [Yuppies, especially those who came of age in the 1980's, consider racquetball very manful indeed. Hence, the bold italics. -- ed.] While his Yale roommates played cards, he'd be refining a debate-team speech. He still debates his staff for fun, often playing devil's advocate against himself. Sitting on his office balcony at the Senate, he scribbles speeches on yellow pads. Occasionally, he'll even write poems, like the one he reluctantly read to a reporter: "I had a talk with a deer today/ we met upon the road some way . . . between his frequent snorts/He asked me if I sought his pelt/cause if I did he said he felt/quite out of sorts!" [I didn't create a category for crap poetry. -- ed.] He has been testing his writing talent on the campaign trail. Some lines have worked, such as: "Never before has so much had to be done in America [He's a warrior, but he's also had a lifelong love affair with the English language... swoon!!! -- ed.] "The most important thing with message is staying on it -- which I didn't Kerry's advisers have urged him not to ramble, to speak less about issues and more about his life. At a recent gathering of Democrats in Duncan, S.C., He finished with a smile that held until a man raised his hand to speak. "I'm sorry to say -- that won't be able to beat Bush," said Elvis Muhaabwa, 52. "Bush is a one-topic man. He's going to hammer it in our ears. Even if it's not true, we will believe it." "I understand you have to boil it down," Kerry said, his voice ratcheting Afterward, Muhaabwa said, "After he leaves, he'll be thinking about what That's where Muhaabwa was wrong. Because when Kerry left, he drove to the airport and climbed into the pilot's seat of a twin-engine Cessna. [Another way to describe these actions are as the activities of an idle-rich kept man going through a midlife crisis. There's a reason most men don't run with the bulls at Pamplona -- we don't have the money to go there, and we certainly don't have the money to take care of our families should we be hospitalized for a long period. But "Primal John" does have a ring -- ed.] Now Kerry revved the plane's engines, clamped on his headset, cracked a joke about the Red Sox and rumbled down the strip. [No one who likes baseball can be a faggit. -- ed.] "This is Five Papa Juliet at 120 degrees, climbing to 7,500 feet," he told the control tower as the ground dropped away. [Hemingway, of course. -- ed.] As the tiny plane bumped and shook, he looked more and more relaxed. [Sort of like Maverick in Top Gun, only taller and more "complex." Surprised his campaign posters don't read, "A Good Looking Rebel Who Plays By His Own Rules." -- ed.] Flying to his next campaign stop, he chatted about maneuvers to avoid flak in combat. [uhhhh, he picked up his pilot's license in the fucking eighties or nineties. What, precisely, does this dipshit know about dodging flak? He knows as much as I do from watching Star Wars -- shields double-front, try to lock down that motivator, Artoo. Is this guy trying a tad too hard or what? -- ed.] The political flak he'd just taken was far from his mind. Throttle, propeller, speed, fuel: Kerry was happily in the moment. He turned the plane [Nice maneuvering, John! You dodged a cloud. And that cloud was making Mach 2 if it was moving an inch. -- ed.] There were no ambiguities. It was simple. [Complex Super Intellectual is also Decisive Man of Action. Film at Eleven.-- ed.] Jacket off, shades on, Kerry stretched out on a park bench in Charleston, Kerry was on a fundraising jag, dialing supporters between campaign stops. He has excelled at raising money, at creating a national campaign network, and at hiring top consultants. First to announce his candidacy, he's been unambiguous about his ambition. To get from that Charleston bench to the roots of Kerry's ambition, roll [Mature beyond his years. He was hailed as a "train-riding prodigy" by the European press. -- ed.] Kerry, the son of a Berlin-based American diplomat, was sent to a Swiss [He was switching trains in postwar Germany all on his own as "boy." Right, a "boy" -- a boy James Bond, you mean. --ed.] "Your blinds had to be down as you traveled through the forbidden east Two things happened to the boy. He biked around, saw the rubble of [Sounds like the tagline for Lethal Weapon II.] "When you travel alone at age 12," he said, "you gain confidence and self-reliance." [And you thought I was making that up. You thought I was reading too much into his heroic accounts of riding fucking trains. Shame on you for doubting me. -- ace] Often on his own, he tested his survival skills. [Okay, how much further can we push this? The kid manages not to fucking die when left to his own devices in a peaceful Western country and now we're calling it "survival skills." Did I mention this fucker was rich and well-connected? What survival skills did he need, apart from being able to sign a fucking credit-card receipt? This isn't fucking Africa, for god's sakes. I just can't take this article anymore. I'm starting to lose it. --ed.] He biked through France, took the ferry from Norway to England, camped alone in Sherwood Forest. His wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, explained: "It's like, he's landed a jet: 'I can control. I know how to do it. I'm safe.' " He took risks to feel safe? Kerry likes to quote the French writer Andre Gide: "Don't try to understand me too quickly." [He's Voltaire and Doc Savage rolled into one. And did I mention his cock randomly assaults foreigners?-- ed.] By the time Kerry arrived in New Hampshire at St. Paul's boarding school Lloyd MacDonald, the class president, stood in for Richard M. Kerry volunteered for Edward M. Kennedy's 1962 Senate race. He broadcast "John was from a prominent family, but he wasn't wealthy" compared to [Not to "wealthy" compared to his peers, who were ultrarich American aristocrats. He was just one of those aristocrats with the lineage and the bloodline but without all the wealth. But he was still richer than 95% of the country. This stupid bint is trying to pretend he was some sort of hard luck case.] Kerry loaded trucks in a grocery warehouse and sold encyclopedias door to door. "He was a little bit of an outsider because he had to work during college summers. It gives you tremendous drive to make up for it." [Mmmm. I always get suspicious when people begin recounting such trivial and commonplace hardships as working at a grocery as some sort of testament to their character. I worked at a 7-Eleven during college. Maybe they should just elect me Pope.] After Yale, Kerry volunteered for the Navy. He returned from Vietnam with [Detective John Forbes Kerry is on patrol in Washington... and he's taking out the trash!!! Now, friends, pay close attention or you're going to completely miss a recap of his years as Senator:] Rather than focusing on legislative matters, he went after government corruption. In 2000, he considered running for president and was a finalist as a running mate for Al Gore. It wasn't his time, but there was no question of his ultimate goal. [One sentence. One! And the best the writer could find to say about his senatorial career was that he didn't focus on mere "legislation."] Now, he's competing in the extreme sport of politics, running for president. "He thrives on stress and pressure," said former senator [And to track and kill a puma using only his feet.] It wasn't enough that John's pet parakeet could say, "Hello." He taught it to [This writer is so desperate to make everything about John Kerry sound manful and adventurous that she loses all perspective and judgment. Teaching a fucking parakeet how to squawk in French ain't exactly Steve McQueen territory, you stupid love-smitten bint.] His adventures, he said, are not reckless. [But that's just what he says-- don't believe him. Heroes are always denyhing they're heroes. One of these days, I'm going to start just denying that I'm a hero. "I'm not a hero," I'll insist. "I'm just a guy typing up sarcastic remarks on the internet." People will immediately begin calling me a hero. "He's lying!" they'll exclaim. "He's a goddamned hero and I know it!"] "The things I do are completely in control, up to my ability," Kerry said firmly. [Don't believe him-- James Bond says the same thing to Q after he comes back with the crashed-up Lotus.] "They're not big adrenaline rushes." [They're totally adrenaline rushes.] " More like meditations." [Right-- meditations for manfully rebelious maverick action heroes, maybe.] " Doing things correct is relaxing, rewarding. Fun, fun, fun. If you're doing aerobatics, it's very simple fun." [Understated heroism-- he just casually refers to "aerobatics," or stunt flying, as "very simple fun." That sounds like hero-talk to me.] "It must be part chemical," said his wife. "Look at him. He's a total [Why does he have to learn guitar at this time of his life? Gee. I don't know, Terezzzza. Why does a sixty year old man buy a corvette? I'm guessing that the three most popular ages for picking up guitar are 15, 20, and 50. ] On a recent afternoon in his Senate office, Kerry was challenging himself [Again, she lacks judgment in what constitutes a manfully-vigorous anecdote.] His hand raced up and down the neck of his guitar, his fingers working the frets. [Sounds like the frets weren't the only thing he was working.] "We've got to go, John," his chief of staff said. He tried another song, picking the opening notes of "Don't Cry for Me, Another staffer cleared his throat. "Oh, you'll like this," Kerry said, ignoring him, playing the theme song from "Love Story." His press secretary interrupted, "Senator, the car's waiting. . . Just one more song. A Beatles tune from 1965. He strummed the guitar and Kerry's face appeared at the door to the Iowa Scott County Democrats Mike Boland, 60, an activist, whispered, "I heard he's aloof." Kerry stepped into the crowd, planting his big hands on workingmen's Yet it has been an issue, especially with journalists, all the way back to yellowing newspaper clips of 1971, which describe Kerry in such terms as John Norris, Kerry's state director in Iowa, said he isn't worried: "The Kerry appreciates the irony. "I'll say thank you to every journalist who [Explicatives are something manly action men use. They also say things like, "I'll be back" and "Yippie-ki-yay."] Then he added, "I plead guilty to being a little brash when I first got into politics." [Again, sounds like that hero-talk to me.] "I wish they had a delete button on LexisNexis." There is something about him, "the Kerry effect," that provokes a [He's the sort of man women want to be with, and men want to be. Okay, I'm running out of cliches. But is this some wild fucking bullshit or what?] But even in Massachusetts, polls have put his job approval rating ahead It's been a hard rap to overcome in part because Kerry is reserved. He And who is he, really? [Bond. James Bond.] [And now comes the "Magic Hat" business:] A close associate hints: There's a secret compartment in Kerry's briefcase. He carries the black attach everywhere. Asked about it on several occasions, Kerry brushed it aside. Finally, trapped in an interview, he exhaled and clicked open his case. "Who told you?" he demanded as he reached inside. "My friends don't know The hat was a little mildewy. The green camouflage was fading, the "My good luck hat," Kerry said, happy to see it. "Given to me by a CIA He smiled and aimed his finger: "Pow." ..................... Now, I ask you: Had the Kerry campaign written a profile of Kerry themselves -- or had Kerry himself written his own profile -- would it have departed from the above text in any way? | Recent Comments
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