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July 07, 2004

Update on Kim Jong-Il's Accomplishments

As mentioned yesterday, the North Korean media straight-facedly reports that dictator/runt-sized maniac Kim Jong-Il shot thirty-eight under par... his first time playing the game.

And that he "routinely" scores three or four holes-in-one per outing.

But his accomplishments don't stop there, of course.

Top Ten Lesser-Known Kim Jong-Il Accomplishments

10. Swam the English Channel in twelve minutes flat, using dolphin-flop swimming technique learned from The Man From Atlantis

9. Noted weightlifter credited with numerous training innovations; believed to be the first man who ever spotted someone bench-pressing while screaming "You gotta WANT it! PUSH! PUSH IT!!!!" with his nards dangling in the other guy's face

8. Nailed Christina Aguilera, before she caught that bad case of the skankies-- you know, back when it meant something

7. World-renown philosopher most famous for sublime Buddhist aphorism, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it"

6. Powered the New York Mets to their 1986 World Series title under the alias "Mookie" Wilson

5. Innovator of new X-Game craze, Extreme Bowling

4. Gold Medalist and reigning champion in "North Korean Triathalon" (run 26.6 miles, bike 110 miles, kick 60 political prisoners in their faces)

3. Insists he could enter and win the Tour de France, "if he felt like it"

2. Briefly married to Juice "Playin' With the Queen of Hearts" Newton

...and the Number One Lesser-Known Kim Jong-Il Accomplishment...

1. According to official state bio, is a champion-level boxer; has defeated Muhammed Ali, Evander Holyfield, and "Thunderlips" from Rocky III

Topical Top Ten Flashback! Top Ten John Edwards Campaign Excuses.

Gastronomical Update: Florida Cracker reports that our Beloved Maniac also invented the hamburger.

digg this
posted by Ace at 12:02 PM

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