September 17, 2004

The Wankette Gay Rumors Du Jour

Determined to one day be called "funny and sharp" by former Washington Post gossiper Lloyd Grove, we boldy follow Wonkette's lead and will begin trafficking in gay-rumors that I just made up.

Credit must be given to my male interens Nicholas and Troi, who assisted me in making up these gay rumors.

I'm hoping to win a Polk Award.


Bill Parcells

Occupation: Much-traveled NFL coach.

Why He Might Be Gay: He's currently the coach of the Dallas "Cowboys," which must be the gayest team-nickname in the NFL, and will remain so in the foreseeable future, at least until the P-town Public Rest-Room Gay Hustlers become a franchise in 2008.

Plus, New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey called him a "homo," and I'm inclined to believe pretty much anything Jeremy Shockey tells me.

Why He Might Not Be Gay: Just look at him.

Eleanor Clift

Occupation: Shrieking, caterwauling liberal crank known best for being ignored on The McLaughlin Group.

Why She Might Be Gay: Insist on pronouncing the word "against" in that faux-intellectual Robert-Frost New-England-Ivy-aristocrat "aGAYnst" way.

And I have it on good authority that she's actually from Plainfield, NJ.

That might not be evidence of homosexuality, but it's evidence of something.

Why She Might Not Be Gay: Give me a minute.


Rosie O'Donnell

Occupation: Unfunny spherical comedian who began her undeservedly well-compensated career simply reciting Jerry Seinfeld's act without attribution.

Why She Might Be Gay: I don't know. It's just a sort of vibe I get from her.

Why She Might Not Be Gay: She seems to really dig Tom Cruise. She's always calling him "cutie patootie" and stuff, so she seems to dig on the dorkmeat.

Plus, I hear she has a kid.


Joshua Micah Marshall

Occupation: Hyperpartisan hack; Impressario at his local Starbucks.

Why He Might Be Gay: Just look at him.

Plus, in my experience, the more insistent you are on being called by your full given name ("Michael," "Thomas," "Stephen," "Christopher," etc.), the more likely you are to occasionally enjoy the pleasures of the ol' trouser-safari.

Someone who announces at the top of his website that his name is not "Josh Marshall," but rather "Joshua Micah Marshall," would seem to be telling the world "I am proud, I am fabulous, and I don't much care who knows it."

Why He Might Not Be Gay: He's chubby.

Now, don't get me wrong. There are lots of fat gay men. But not a lot of chubby gay men. Seems to me that if you're gay, and you're just twenty or thirty pounds from being not-chubby, you expend the time and effort to drop that weight like a bad habit (such as vaginal sex).

Joshua Micah Marshall seems to be disinclined to do any crunches or spend any time at all working on his lats. The fact that his dumper is bigger than the average kindergarten-teacher's is strong evidence for his heterosexual credentials.


Occupation: Internet Skank; procuress.

Why She Might Be Gay: Posed for faux-lesbian shots with fellow cyberwhore Jennifer Cutler.

Why She Might Not Be Gay: The faux-lesbian thing is pretty common among marginally-attractive non-lesbians looking for attention to which their looks wouldn't otherwise entitle them.

There's a well-known rule that the minute two sixes start making out with each other, they become a pair of eights.

Plus, few lesbians are that into gay-male culture. That's definitely a straight white liberal woman thing.

Not even gay dudes are as into gay crap as straight white liberal women. Even gay dudes are like, "Hey, ix-ne on the ag-fay all the ime-tay, okay?"


Boba Fett

Occupation: Bounty Hunter

Why He Might Be Gay: Wears a cape; carries around a lot of futuristic BDS&M equipment; calls his ship, which is shaped like an iron, the Slave One; collects funky metal sculptures of handsome men; is known to be a "dedicated bachelor."

Why He Might Not Be Gay: If you watch the eyeslits of his helmet, he occasionally looks at Princess Leia's metal bikini on Jabba's pleasure-barge.

But I don't know how to interpret that Is he thinking, "Tight little unit, there," or is he thinking, "She thinks she's all Little Miss Thing, but she ain't"?

It's a hard one to call.

Allah Update: Allah sends along this pic of Joshua Micah Christopher-Nicholas Stephan (prounouced "Steffan") Michael Pierre Tavington-Cavendish Marshall:


Okay, I admit it: Probably not gay. I'm the straightest, sloppiest, filthiest guy I know, and even I don't go out into public looking like that.

OTOH: Troi says the stubble might be a "beard." Troi is always making funny puns like that. He's incorrigible. .

He does this impersonation of Samantha from Sex & the City that is just absolutely precious... He keeps me in stitches. Stitches, I tell you.

Donate to Ace of Spades HQ.
Because, as Steve Martin says,
what's $20 anyway? Might as well crumple it up
and throw it in the street.

Posted by Ace at September 17, 2004 04:34 AM | TrackBack
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