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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

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The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

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I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

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Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

The Atari Flashback Portable isn’t out yet, it’s a prototype designed by Curt Vendel. The good news is that it will be out at one point or another – so it’s not one of those “cool, too bad it’s never going to be released” kind of things that you read about every day. If you want to read more about gadgets then check out http://www.thegadgets.us

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

The Atari Flashback Portable isn’t out yet, it’s a prototype designed by Curt Vendel. The good news is that it will be out at one point or another – so it’s not one of those “cool, too bad it’s never going to be released” kind of things that you read about every day. If you want to read more about gadgets then check out http://www.thegadgets.us

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The truth is more important than the facts.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

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In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

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I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

"Hi there. My name is Simona Livings, glad to make your acquaintance.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

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