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C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.