Best of: Six Words Never Used Together Before-- Bob Dole is on Frickin' Fire
Content Warning: Some R-rated potty mouth in the following Top Ten. Probably nothing to get too panicked about; I mean, it's Bob Dole we're talking about.
Top Ten Signs That Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire
10. Now spends upwards on four hours a day "workin' on his lats;" public speeches are sprinkled liberally with weightlifting catchphrases, such as "You gotta want it" and "Feel the burn!"
9. Elizabeth Dole appears scared shitless; when asked about her and her husband's love life, stutters incoherent and ominous remark about "The Sessions"
8. Old Bob Dole: Quiet evenings spent watching Matlock re-runs on PAX;
New Bob Dole: Now known as "B.D. Slam," organizes secret spontaneous all-nude "rave" parties featuring gangbangs and coked-up leopards
7. A roughed-up Paul Anka recently declared, "I, and Senator Bob Dole of Kansas, are the only important ones on that stage"
6. Has begun wrestling alligators; also, has begun fucking them
5. Old verbal idiosyncracy: referred to himself in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole" or "Bob Dole will cut your taxes";
New verbal idiosyncracy: refers to his cock in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole's cock" or "Bob Dole's cock will cut your taxes"
4. Stodgy off-the-rack suits have been replaced by bicycle shorts and pimped-out furs
3. Keeps calling whoreblogger Washingtonienne about "getting together for lunch and/or anal"
2. New demand for speaking appearances: must be intro'd by If You Want It (Here It Is, Come and Get It) by Badfinger; always exits to the blaring Theme From the A-Team
...and the Number One Sign that Bob Dole is On Fucking Fire...
1. Old Bob Dole Endorsement: Viagra
New Bob Dole Endorsement: Swingers' clubs