EXCLUSIVE- A Night of Terror in D.C.

The blogosphere is renowned for enabling "citizen journalism". And last night, I found myself facing a choice: write a satirical epic poem about health care reform legislation that revolves around Homer's Iliad, Mila Kunis' unrequited love for me, and the moral lessons embodied in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure or call in a few chips and do some original reporting. Fortunately for you, I chose to do some original reporting.

So, I called a couple of Democratic Members of the House of Representatives and invited them out for coffee so that they could share their horrific stories of abject terror with me. After all, don't we owe it to future generations to document our modern day Teabagging Kristallnacht? I think so.

We agreed to meet at the Capitol Hill Starbucks (237 Pennsylvania Avenue...just steps from the Capitol) and I had barely settled in when the stories started. I have to say your humble correspondent was shocked and dismayed by what he learned......

Begin transcript:

Jack: So I understand that we live in terrifying times now. In fact, were I a literate man, I would compare the present atmosphere to that in a "Tale of Two Cities." All we are missing is the guillotine and the flow of blood in the streets, n'est ce pas?

Pelosi: That's a great analogy. I've always viewed my Speakership through the prism of "what would Madame Defarge do?"

Jack: Tell me what the past several days have been like for you, Madame Speaker. Oh, and Hoyer, Stupak and Clyburn...feel free to join in if you want.

Stupak: I won't feel free to speak my conscience until the President gives me a letter saying there will be no repercussions for speaking my conscience.

Jack: Wait...don't you already have that language in the 1st Amendment?

Stupak: You can never be too careful. I'll wait for my letter to cover my ass, thank you.

Pelosi: Settle down, Bart. You are from Michigan, after all. One would think you would be used to all these gun-owning, bible-clutching, hate-mongering, rednecks. That kind of thing simply is "declasse" in San Francisco, tho, and I'm having a hard time with it.

Jack: Do go on...

Pelosi: Well, for the first time in my career I have to do something to protect myself from the violent mobs that have been gathering outside the Capitol, with their dangerous and violent "kill the bill" rhetoric...

Hoyer: Not to mention their uncanny spitting prowess...

Pelosi: I hear that Curt Schilling teaches them how to do that, you know.

Jack: Wait...what?

Pelosi: The spitting. It's a baseball thing. And Schilling did endorse Scott Brown....and George W. Bush.

Hoyer: Makes perfect sense to me.

Clyburn: I haven't seen professional spitting like that since I marched on Selma in 1965! The Alabama River was so swollen with spittle that it threatened to overrun it's banks and drown the city of Montgomery.

Which would have been OK, actually. Would've taught that racist, segregationist Alabama Governor George Wallace a lesson.

Jack: But Wallace was a Democrat, wasn't he?

Clyburn: And a damn fine Democrat! Even ran for President he was so popular.

Jack: But you just wished that he would have been drowned in a flood of spit...

Pelosi: Don't mind him...he's really only here so we can compare everything to Selma, '65. And because I told him we would mandate that you buy all of us coffee.

Jack: How about I just deem it already done?

Pelosi: Typical conservative, always looking for a trick to avoid being held accountable. Or for paying your fair share.

Getting back on topic, there can really be no doubt that all this spitting is "astroturf". Which, again leads to baseball, and from there, to Curt Schilling.

Hoyer: How can you not see that? It's so clear. Well, never mind...when Olbermann reveals this in tomorrow night's "extra special and crispy comment" the truth will be known.

Jack: Yeah...so is that all that frightens you? A potential flood of spit?

Pelosi: Oh, heavens no! Let's get back to all the hurtful language that's being thrown around?

Clyburn: Just like in Selma, 65! Damn tea-baggers and their use of name-calling attacks.

Hoyer: Yep. Tea-baggers really bring down the level of discourse in this country.

Pelosi: I mean, let's take the tea-baggers favorite slogan, "Kill the Bill".

Jack: What about it?

Pelosi: Don't you see?

Jack: See what? They don't like the health care bill.

Pelosi: Steny, he doesn't get it.

Hoyer: Everyone in America loves our health-care bill, Jack. We told that to all our caucus to get them to vote for it, and they believed it long enough to do so. Despite all the negative polling it really is intensely popular.

Jack: Then why do the vast majority of Americans want the bill repealed?

Clyburn: Because the vast majority of Americans were at Selma in 1965!

Pelosi: Let's try this from another angle. What do you notice about the "Kill the Bill" signs?

Jack: What?

Pelosi: The "B" in "Bill" is capitalized. And when are nouns capitalized? When they are proper names.

Jack: I'm not following...

Pelosi: "Bill" stands for Bill Clinton! These protesting tea-baggers never did get over our greatest ex-president's exoneration in that bogus impeachment, and have been biding their time to string him up! I'm thinking about introducing legislation to have them all arrested. Or at least calling the Secret Service.

Jack: That seems a little far fetched to me, Madame Speaker.

Pelosi: Well, you just don't understand politics like I do. If you were on the receiving end of this kinda stuff, you'd be plenty scared too.

Jack: So you are afraid of a flood of spit and a potentially misunderstood slogan.

Hoyer: And spiders.

Jack: What's that got to do with this?

Hoyer: Nothing. I'm just really, really scared of spiders. In fact, last time I saw one in my bathroom, I sold my house and bought another.

Jack: Really.

Hoyer: Obama credited me with having spurred more economic activity in the real-estate market by myself than he had been able to do since Jan 2009.

Jack: Yeah.

Hoyer: I didn't have the heart to tell him I did that in 2007.

Clyburn: 2007 reminds me of Selma, 1965!

Jack: Does that even make sense?

Clyburn: Are you questioning my moral authority, Jack?

Jack: No...I'm just saying....

Clyburn: It's like Selma, '65! Jack is trying to silence me!

Jack: Hey...where's Barney Frank, by the way? Didn't he claim to be insulted to?

Pelosi: We learned a long time ago not to know "too much" about what Frank gets up to when he isn't around.

Hoyer: Plausible deniability is vital to a successful DC career, Jack.

Jack: I think I'm going to go home now.

Pelosi: Would you like to borrow my big gavel? It makes a pretty good weapon (since carrying a gun would be wrong!) After all, you can never be too prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I worry about that too.

Jack: Zombies?

Pelosi: Yes. Zombies. They are right wingers, you know.

Jack: No....I didn't.

Pelosi: Oh yes....you always hear about Zombie Reagan and Zombie Nixon....but do you ever hear about Zombie Truman? Nope.

Hoyer: It's a sad testament to the political affiliation of the undead.

Clyburn: Just like in Selma '65- No Justice, No Rest-In-Peace!

Jack: So the upcoming Democratic election campaign is going to be based on...

Pelosi: Providing Americans with universal protection against spit, bad words, and right-wing undead zombies.

Hoyer: We are still negotiating my amendment on spiders.

End Transcript.

posted by Jack M. at 02:27 PM

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