Top Ten Cities for the Tentative Moronstock Conference

See, I know Ace has his heart set on Vegas. But, really, that is so...done...isn't it?

I think so. Which is why I have come up with the following list of cities that I think should be considered as the ultimate destination location.

Sure..I'm a big blog celebrity and all. But unlike some people I could name but won't for fear they will take away my posting privileges, I don't ever forget my roots. Which is why I think these Heartland cities should be considered.

(Not Indianapolis though. It's gawd-awful boring; it's David Letterman's kinda-sorta hometown; and I hate seeing that omnipresent, towheaded, bastard-spawn of Satan, Peyton Manning on my TV, let alone face to ginormous hydrocephalic head.)

So here, for your review, are the 10 Towns I will be lobbying for behind the scenes. Feel free to offer your own suggestions in the comments. I'm good like that, and I won't be reading them anyway.

10. Tupelo, Mississippi: Elvis' Birthplace. And I hear he can still be found pumping gas there on occasion. Besides, we could have a symposium on how the Elvis classic "In the Ghetto" was actually a thinly veiled ideological critique of the Great Society. I think Coulter would be down for that. Why wouldn't she be?

9. Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota: Prince calls it home. And if a washed up, sexually-ambiguous, purple-clad, pseudo-glam rocker can't be made to feel at home amongst the morons does he ever have any chance of fitting in anywhere? Further, he might end up so depressed by the rejection of his hometown that he records again! And you wouldn't want that on your conscience, would you?

8. Anyplace in Idaho: Because Napoleon Dynamite jokes just never get old do they? Vote for Pedro!!11!!11

7. Crawford, Texas: Because a lot of Texans read this blog (I'm told one of them posts here too..but I don't read the blog so I am not sure about that) and they want the event held in the Lone Star State. And I seem to remember Cindy Sheehan once set up a tent or something and managed to draw a crowd there, so I think we could do a better job. Unless you think Cindy Sheehan has more Heartland cred than you?! I'm so ashamed by your lack of faith.

6. Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania: Because when I was younger I had a thing for Andie McDowell, and her appearance in "Groundhog Day" is one of the two most important movies ever made. Coincidentally, she also starred in the second most important movie ever made "Sex, Lies and Videotape." Make of that what you will, but I think it gets us a hook to land Carrie Prejean.

(Added bonus...it's just fun to say Punxsutawney. Go ahead, you try. I'll be here when you get back.)

5. Talladega, Alabama: NASCAR heaven. Screw Daytona, Florida. Nothing, and I mean nothing, says racing like 500 laps around the tri-oval at Talladega. It even has the International Motorsports Hall of Fame there. You don't get more Heartland than this city. Don't like NASCAR? Go read Hot Air. I think Allah has a humping robot, which would likely be more your speed, over there.

4. My backyard: Look. I'm a busy man. Not only am I an internationally known blog celebrity (complete with a wikipedia reference and everything!) but I am kinda a big deal in the non-virtual world too. So I can't be expected to go galavanting across the country to some god-forsaken hellhole like *shudder*Indianapolis*shudder* in the hopes that somewhere amongst the sea of morons, drunks and shut-ins that compose this blog's readership enough of you can get the scratch together to afford a plane ticket while also figuring out how to overcome your paralyzing social awkwardness so as to actually build a crowd that would be sizable enough to be uncomfortable in a phone booth.

Heh...check out that last sentence. Pretty long, huh? Whoever is the first to successfully diagram it wins a free subscription to AoSHQ. Complements of DrewM., cause if i've learned anything from a lifetime of pimpin' and hoe'in it's "never give your shit away for free."

3. Scranton, Pennsylvania: I hear that everyone who takes a tour of the legendary "Joe Biden's Birthplace" national monument gets a free membership with the Hair Club for Men.

Not that I'm suggesting that some of you are follically-challenged or anything. I just figured if I made that claim than maybe Ed Morrissey would come. And you know me...always closing.

2. Augusta, Maine: Look, Slublog lives in Maine, and normally that would be enough right there. But did you know that Augusta, Maine is the birthplace of Olympia Snowe? It's true. So, right there, you pretty much know the town has an affinity for morons.

"But Jack," I can hear you saying, "we don't like Olympia Snowe!"

To which I reply "In the spring she'll be in DC anyway, so it's not like you'll meet her." Plus? Lobster. Added plus? Russ from Winterset knows how to make bacon-wrapped lobster.

Who's feeling me now?

And the number one city that I will be lobbying for, as a powerful co-blogger with a tie-breaking vote, to play host to an as yet tentative moron-conference which may or may not pan out into something:

1. Greg Gutfeld's activity pit: While not technically a city, who can resist the allure of shorty robes, cocoa butter, and drunken arguments with underaged houseboys who speak some sorta gibberish language that borders on what you would have heard in the Mos Eisley cantina? As an added bonus, Bill Schultz ensures that every wake-up call comes complete with a happy ending (allegedly), and Andy Levy pressures his military connections into supplying the most primo opium Afghanistan ever produced. Allegedly. Is it weird that my safety word is "harder, Suzanne Sena, harder!"? It must be..Patti Ann Brown hasn't spoken to me since she heard it. Allegedly.

You know when put that way, maybe Gutfeld's activity pit isn't really that good of an idea.

It's a freaking awesome one! Choose wisely, morons. Choose wisely.

posted by Jack M. at 07:22 PM

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