An Open Letter to Rachel Marsden

Dear Ms. Marsden,

Or may I call you Rachel? You can call me Jack.

It brings me great sadness to read of your recent travails. Certainly a woman of your erudition and charm deserves better than to have the details of your intimate life played out on the innumerable tawdry sites, such as this one, that regrettably proliferate throughout cyberspace. You are an intelligent, vibrant woman, and you do not deserve the public humiliation this story must be causing you.

I applaud your willingness to confront what would otherwise be an embarrassing story head on! (And, no, that is not a reference to the Head On! product that serves as one of the major advertisers on Red Eye w/ some disgusting troll, a show I haven't watched since your lovely presence was deemed no longer necessary). What many will attempt to spin as the narcissistic ravings of a lunatic stalker scorned, can only be defeated if you summon the bravery to fight fire with fire and let the truth be known. I want you to know that I am here for you. Allow me to offer my own strength to yours: together we can restore your good name.

I do not write this letter to you because you look like this:

instead, I write to you because I think it is time that you had a man who was your equal in character, grace, and interpersonal ability. If anything, my history of creating non-existant relationships with prominent news anchorettes via the use of epic poetry illustrates just how strong a match we would be. Though others may scoff, I believe that the fault lies not with you, but with the handful of men who seem to have a habit of filing charges against you. They fail to understand the good thing they have in you. I guess it is true: some never know what they have until it's gone.

I assure you, Rachel, I wil not make that mistake. In this time of trouble let me be your rock. You can be vulnerable around me, I won't tell. And if things don't ultimately work out, I will NEVER embarrass you by breaking up with you through a cold, impersonal, medium such as Wikipedia. Everyone knows the truly classy way is via a text-message anyhow.

So, Rachel, I look forward to the favor of a reply. I want to be the man with whom you find great happiness. The one who completes you. The one who quells those voices in your head, and replaces them with Nature's Prozac, love.

You can reach me at jackmtips -AT- (replace with the symbol) gmail.com should you feel the need for companionship. This is not a rebound, Rachel, this is a put-back.

My warmest regards,

Jack M.

PS: Please don't tell Suzanne Sena. She gets crazy jealous.

posted by Jack M. at 06:01 PM

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