Birdwatching "The View"

I've been nominally following the fight between Rosie and Hasselbeck through the frequent posts Allah puts up over at HotAir. I just haven't been able to get into them like many because something always seems to be missing from the commentary.

It struck me this morning as to what that missing ingredient was: the sage wit and succinct wisdom of Spurwing Plover.

It's been a while since the Plover was seen in these parts. Word has it that he was the last of his kind, and may now be extinct. But over my morning cup of peyote laced coffee (I have a prescription for it from my local community college's Native American Studies professor so it's cool!) I thought I heard a voice carried by the wind. Naturally, I spoke back to the disembodied entity. Who wouldn't?

Jack M.: Umm..who the hell are you?

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem:Did you remember how everybody loved LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE because MELISSA SUE GILBERT was so cute and spunky and had PONY-TAILS?

Jack M.: What?

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: ELIZABETH HASSELBECK is LAURA INGALLS except that HASSELBECK doesn't have a BLIND SISTER and her father isn't a WEREWOLF/ANGEL.

Jack M.: Oh...you are Spuriwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem and you are talking about "The View", right?

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: Did you ever see EXIT TO EDEN where ROSIE O'DONNELL wore BONDAGE GEAR like most HOLLYWIERD stars and was fat, like a modern DAN ACKROYD who was in that movie then?

Jack M.: Umm...no, I didn't.

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: How about A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN where ROSIE was a fat and manly BASEBALL player with MADONNA?

Jack M.: Yeah, I saw that...it had Geena Davis and Tom Hanks in it too, right? "There's no crying in base....."

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: (Interrupting) Remember when ROSIE was a fat and manly RETARD in RIDING THE BUS WITH MY SISTER which also had GEENA DAVIS who was once married to THE FLY?

Jack M.: Your point being?

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: I bet HASSELBECK would be a GOOD PICK to play HEATHER THOMAS' or MARKIE POST'S role if HOLLYWIERD ever makes a MOVIE about "THE FALL GUY".

Jack M.: Huh. I never would have thought of that.

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: But where does ROSIE go because on THE VIEW she is PERFECTLY CAST as a fat, and manly, and retarded, LESBIAN which means TYPECASTING is a real possibility.

Jack M.: Well, I guess HASSELBECK could play a FEMALE BLOOD ELF WARLOCK who smacks around ROSIE'S MALE ORC WARRIOR in the upcoming WORLD OF WARCRAFT movie and they could call it "A LEAGUE OF THEIR PWNAGE"!

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: Dude, what the hell? Get your own damn schtick!

Jack M.: Sorry....

Spurwing Plover's Shamanistic Totem: Sorry doesn't cut it, assmunch. I'm out of here you theiving bastard. There's a LOST IN SPACE marathon coming on and I don't want to miss it. DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER! Freakin' douchetool.

And just like that, the voice was gone. But then so was my coffee. Had it ever really been there? (The voice I mean...I know the coffee had been as I "recycled" it about 45 minutes later). Who can know?

But the important thing is I am so much wiser now.

And that, my friends, is what really matters.

posted by Jack M. at 03:39 PM

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