Life Lessons I Learned from Spider-Man [Jack M.]

So I got an e-mail today.

That's right. "An" as in "one".

I'm a very sad and lonely man. One truly is the loneliest number that you'll ever know.

Anyway, this e-mailer wanted to know what exactly I had "learned from Spiderman". (You might remember that I said I had learned quite a bit from him in my Doc Ock thread).

Which got me in a pensive and reflective mood. And you wouldn't like me when I get pensive and reflective....

Actually, that isn't true. That's the lead sentence to my "Life Lessons I Learned from The Hulk" thread.

But the fact remains; before today I had never sat down to contemplate all the things that Spiderman has taught me.

And now I have.

Presented, after the jump, are the practical, everyday life lessons that I have learned from Spider-Man.

I hope you take as much from them as they have given me.

1. Always expose yourself to insect bites, on the off-chance that one day you will gain super powers.

It hasn't happened for me yet, but I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before I become the Amazing Mosquito Man. Or contract Malaria.

2. If insects aren't available, always expose yourself to radiation on the off chance that one day you will receive super powers. (See Also: Daredevil, The Hulk, The Fantastic Four)

Of course radioactive insects would be the best of both worlds, but sometimes we have to take what we can get. Which is why I have removed my Microwave door and run it for hours on end. Wouldn't you like pyrotechnic abilities? I thought so.

3. It's a really bad idea to use your webbing to stop your girlfriend from plummeting to her death.

Now, I'm not saying you should let her fall to her death, mind you. But if she had, after all, YOU wouldn't have to carry the guilt around that YOU were the one to have broken her neck. I mean her tragedy is enough. Why compound the problem?

4. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, question where your new suits come from, especially if they seem to be wrinkle free, self cleaning, and capable of independent thought.

I can't tell you how often this comes up. Just yesterday, I picked up my drycleaning only to discover that they had inadvertantly thrown in two sport coats my size that didn't belong to me.

I considered taking them back, but then I didn't want the guilt of potentially subjecting an unsuspecting person to the malevolent forces that they might be facing.

So I did what Spidey taught me: I kept the coats locked in a sonic chamber at the Baxter Building for 48 hours, and when they appeared to be normal coats I kept them in my closet as a "preventative measure".

5. When close relatives get to a certain age, like 125, they really need to be placed under constant care lest they end up doing foolish and self-destructive things, such as MARRYING YOUR ARCH-ENEMY!.

That one is sort of self-explanatory. Or don't you love your family?

6. Nothing impresses the ladies more than spending 40 years holding a low-paying job as a photographer for the local newspaper.

Why, get a primo job like this and soon the World's Top Supermodels will all be drooling over you and calling you "Tiger!". Hell, you might even marry one!

7. Whenever you find yourself short of cash (for possible reasons, see #6) there is always money to be made in the world of Professional Wrestling.

As a corollary, it might be a good idea to take your Uncle/Surrogate Father along as your "trainer" or "manager". Anything, really, so long as you can keep an eye on him.

8. "Spider-Sense" is a really useful tool for avoiding people you don't want to meet.

This one has me stumped. I can't figure out how good-looking women always seem to utilize this power whenever I show up at a party. Do they know about some secret stash of radioactive bugs that no-one has shared with me?

On the other hand, I have a pretty well-developed gay-dar. So, 6 of one/half a dozen of the other, I always say.

9. Having yourself cloned is not a very good idea.

OK. In all honesty, I can't remember if I learned to hate and fear clones from Spider-Man or from Katherine Jean Lopez at National Review Online. They both come from New York, though, so that's close enough for this list.

10. Nothing says "Serious Crimefighter/You've Made It to the Big Leagues!" like a Pimped Out Dune Buggy.

Alas, I dont own a dune buggy. But if you jokers loved ol'Jack M., you could band together and buy me one of these Orange County Choppers as a consolation prize:

Excelsior!

posted by Ace at 03:41 PM

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