Sponsored Content




Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!



Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

NoVaMoMe 2024: 06/08/2024
Arlington, VA
Details to follow


Texas MoMe 2024: 10/18/2024-10/19/2024 Corsicana,TX
Contact Ben Had for info





















« CNN Agnostic On Merits of "Loose Change" Conspiracy Theory | Main | My Solution To The Torture Debate Is Elegant In Its Simplicity »
September 15, 2006

College Football Picks Week 3 [Johnny M. Coldcuts]

sandwichforskippy.jpg

So, I'm 33-11 with my picks so far this season. And, since regular gamblers are, like guest bloggers, typically a motley collection of embalmed leeches looking for any potential winner to suck the life out of, I have received a lot of e-mails.

"What's the secret to your success, Johnny?" writes "Anonymous" from Huntingdon Beach, California. "Why haven't you called since we..you know..." writes Beth from Alabama. "How would you like to be part of a Ham sandwich?" writes some babe I never heard of before from something called "Townhall".

So, I thought today would be a good day to answer these burning questions. Actually, the questions aren't really what's burning. It's this damn rash I got from Feisty. But I'll answer these e-mails anyway.

Answers and picks after the jump.


The secret to my success?

I'm from the future, dickweed! Geez. What part of "I already know the outcomes to these games" don't you understand?

"Then why do you miss them sometimes, Johnny? Do you hate us?"

Yes. Yes, I do. But that's not why I miss them, asswipe. I gotta make my action look legit. Look...if I get banned in Vegas that means I'll have to go to that godforsaken Donald Trump owned cesspool known as "Atlantic City" in the toxic wasteland that is New Jersey.

And I may be sleazy, but I ain't gonna hang in a place like Jersey.

As for Beth's question. Look...what the hell do you want from me, whore? I showed up, completely unannounced, drank all your beer, pissed on your carpet, puked on your couch, and, when leaving, ran over your cat.

But despite all these annoyances, which I completely blame on you, vile temptress, I still gave you the best 6 and a half hours of open-faced action any woman ever had. I seem to recall someone's tuna in a state of meltdown, after all.

So let's just call it even and forget about it.

I already have.

Finally,

Ham? You want me to be part of a "Ham sandwich"?

Get the fuck out. Everybody knows that ham is the other, other white meat. You know, the poor man's Spam. Only white trash hicks from Hazard County eat that crap. Oh yeah, and Gentiles. Fuck you all.

It's nothing but Turkey for this prognosticator. Ham...it's what's for dinner. Yeah, like that's gonna happen anywhere outside of a refugee camp or homeless shelter.

But, you know, if you decide you want sex instead, let me know. Just drop me an e-mail with some kind of crude double entendre in it, and I'm sure to notice.

Because if some of these picks don't pan out this week, I'll be in a grudge-fuckin' kinda mood. So I might be receptive, after I get drunk.

To the picks:

1) Ohio State -29.5 against Cincinnati: Baby, did you ever wonder? Wonder what ever became of me? The Buckeyes came to town to play me. And my pants filled with W-C-R-A-P. Take Ohio State and lay the points.

2) Notre Dame -6 against Michigan: I'm not picking Michigan this week. They've burned me two weeks in a row, and Johnny M. Coldcuts don't let nobody jack him around. I'm a pimp, dammit. I ain't nobody's bitch! Take Notre Dame and lay the points.

3) Auburn -3.5 against LSU: It's Tigers vs. Tigers. So I'm saying take the Tigers and lay the 3.5.

4) Ha! You thought I pussed out, didn't you. Assholes. I should repay your lack of faith by suspending the rest of these picks, but I won't. After all, some of them are misses, and I like making you guess. Take Auburn and lay the points.

5) USC -18 vs Nebraska: You know who quarterbacks the Condoms? A dude named Booty. I ain't touching the action on a dude's Booty, even with Ace's prong. Take the Cornhumpers of Nebraska and the points.

6) Florida -3 against Tennessee: Tennessee is the other team that has screwed me twice this year, without giving me the benefit of a reach around. That ends Saturday. The Gators treat me with the respect I deserve by dressing like Carmen Miranda, giving me the reach around, and covering. Take the Gators and lay the points.

7) Texas -32 against Rice: After last week's debacle, I would take the 32 if Texas were playing Condi Rice. Hell, I'd take the 32 if they were playing Uncle Ben's rice. But since it's just regular ,shitty ol' Rice University, take The Shorthorns and lay the 32.

8) FSU -5 against Clemson: Ahh, yes. The Bowdens. Or as I like to call them: The First Family of Football Futility. Sure, Bobby's won some games. But Tommy? One good season at Tulane does not a good coach make. And don't even get me started on Buster Brown's stand-in, Terry Bowden. But, someone has to win. This year it's Tommy's turn. Take Clemson and the points.

9) Georgia -17 against UAB: Another game I won't be watching. I did learn an interesting fact about Bulldogs this week though. If you want them to be well done, you have to let the microwave run for 25 minutes on High, not medium. Take Georgia and lay the points.

10) Louisville -3.5 against Miami, Fla.: Remeber when the denizens of the U wore camouflage, and had quarterbacks that won Heisman trophies? And people thought they were all tough and stuff, even if most of them were likely heading to prison? Well some of those players did go to prison. And this years team is composed of all their bitches. Take Louisville and lay the points.

11) Va Tech -35 against Duke: Speaking of bitches, do you remember when Steve Spurrier coached at Duke? If you do, you are too old for me to date. Take Va Tech and lay the points.

12) Iowa -13.5 against Iowa St: Does anyone outside of Iowa care about this game? For that matter, does anyone inside of Iowa care? Take Iowa and lay the points.

13) Oregon -5 against Oklahomo's: In week one I made the following statement about the Spoogers: "One of these two teams (Oregon/Okla) will be playing in a New Year's Day bowl, and it ain't Oklahoma". This week that statement proves prophetic as the Ducks reveal OU812 as the Sammy Hagar led fraud that they are. Take the Ducks and lay the points.

14) California NO LINE against Portland State: The Golden Barebacks mount up and ride high. Take Cal.

15) Arizona St -11 against Colorado: I have a feeling that Naked Testicle Spiderman might be rooting for the Buffahoes. That's why I'm picking Arizona State and spotting the 11.

16) Boston College -7 against BYU: "MY GOD IS STRONGER THAN YOUR GOD!", sayeth the believers who cometh forth from the walled city of Bos-ton. "Yea, verily", the travellers from the promised land of U-tah proclaimed, "and yet our God is the same God. Further, he allows us to have multiple wives!" And the wise men of Bos-ton did think amongst themselves until the wisest of all stepped forth. "While your God allows for menage a trois, mine demands that such acts be done WITHOUT condoms!" At which point the sons of Young realized they had been beaten." Book of Coldcuts, 18:VI. Take BC and give the Sons of Young the 7.

17) Texas Tech -1.5 vs TCU: I don't care. And neither should you. Take the Red Raiders of Texas Tech and lay the points.

18) Penn State (NO LINE) against Youngstown State: Seriously, who is gonna die on a football field first? Joe Pa or Bobby Bowden. You and I both know that they are trying to outlast the other in the hopes that the last man standing will have the "most victories" record. No one ever mentions this, though. Oh well, Youngstown State will be another notch on Joe Pa's headboard this week. Take Penn St.

There you have it. Now I'm outta here. I got more e-mails to check.

digg this
posted by Ace at 03:33 PM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
weft cut-loop[/i][/b] [/s]: "[]i[Some statins cause both short term and long te ..."

torabora : "Pro-choice Democrat marylin lands gives anti-abort ..."

Ciampino - Was I going upstair when called?s or downstairs: "426 Posted by: Braenyard at March 28, 2024 01:09 ..."

Braenyard: "I'm overtime, y'all have a good evening. ..."

RickZ: "[i]Didn't think Kennedy would pick someone that nu ..."

mikeski: "[i]Pete Buttgiggity to sport a smug look on his fa ..."

mikeski: "[i]The original Siamese Twins, the Bunker twins, w ..."

Ciampino - Tabasco to the fartclam: "515 And some national fake day, a Tranny Day of W ..."

Puddleglum, cheer up for the worst is yet to come: "[i]509 Ramadan lights will be on display in centra ..."

raimondo: " Pro-choice Democrat marylin lands gives anti-abor ..."

Braenyard: "Didn't think Kennedy would pick someone that nuts. ..."

Ciampino - Another communist?: "Robert F. Kennedy Jr. VP pick Nicole Shanahan help ..."

Recent Entries
Search


Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64